ATT Round 2: Writer 11 Vs Writer 4 - (Writer 11 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 11 vs. Writer 4

Rules
Verses are due Thursday, July 3rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred or Dave via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers are changed every round.
Check your PM too find which number you are for this round.

Topic
http://ilhamitas.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/darkforest.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 11

Runaway

A runaway, cast out, a social pariah
Staying solo in ire with no one desired
Alone and I’m tired, leave my people behind
No demons in sight as I’m leaving my life
Unleashed as a captive, now I shed the weight
He displayed his strongarm against my face
Just venomous eyes when I looked around
They tried to hold me back and then put me down
Controlled by force to start acting right
The bait was displayed and I had to bite
I’m gone, free to be and free to live
Strolling through an autumn flora of leaves and twigs
Meeting a friend, both walking concurrent
A companion for me is not a common occurrence
He follows, two runaways that won’t make amends
I gain a sense that this this will be a new faithful friend
His owners abused him, such a similar story
His sad eyes a reflection and I’m thinking he knows me
He’s a dog, a mutt which I want to love
We’ve rejected the lives which they offered us
We’ll care for each other to a new extent
Just me, walking, with my human friend

Vs

Writer 4

Looking ahead in silence, blackness all around, lite glimpse of helio rays beaming down, then the absence of light hits, through the grounded clouds, revealing silhouettes drifting towards guidance,as tapered foot steps echo off the ground, pitter pats of my best friend drift me to where life is, with a driven sense thats heightened,to lead me out, he runs ahead to evaluate the scene before I get abound!! I arise to a level of clearness, fearless to every sound, but as we're halfway in, I wonder are we getting out?? trees bleed the morning dew, an off condensation unique seeds are spawning through, flowers I've never seen are even blossoming too!! Clawing a top the soil to clean air that I'm letting seep, I notice all this to the sounds of my feet, I know this is sounding so oblique but I stay grounded off the beat that I beat , I don't stray from the path of my destination coz what u don't know versus what you do can be more devastating. Ive felt death with a similar touch but death battling reality I don't fear so much, as life when its unknown, so my friend and me seem to carry on. We are reaching the end of the road, I look back and the future doesn't look so bright but with him here I get the feeling that everything will be just fine..

[Enfinite]

Writer 11:
I enjoyed this piece. The ending was pretty cool, I like how you blended both perspectives really well. The flow and vocab was on point. I felt it was a tiny bit jumbled in the beginning, when it shifted to talking about the captive, but as it came along it went about nicely. That was the only real issue I had with the verse.

Writer 4:
I like your overall concept. I feel like it could of been brought out a lot cleaner. Mainly towards the end. Your imagery was great, but I felt your flow got choppy in a lot of places. You started off really strong and then tapered off as the piece came towards an end.

MVGT: Writer 11

[Lockhart]

Writer 11: I think you did quite well with your topic here. Story progressed quite well and your usage of vocabulary and scheme work was really quite impressive. Only complaint I would have is that it didn't really have any back story to it as to why he and the dog were both rejected, which kind of let me wondering why they were both rejected. Good topical overall, though.

Writer 4: Your structure of your topical made this a bit of a strain to read, but it wasn't too bad. Overall, I felt you strayed a little too far off topic at times going from the journey with the dog, to the trees weeping condensation and flowers you've never seen, back to the journey with the dog and how everything seems ok. Scheme work was a bit messy at times, but nothing that was completely farfetched. I feel you have potential to do really well at topicals if you tried not being so complex and trying to cram other details in to your work. With topicals at this length, you have to take the topic more so for what it is and build around that and get straight to the topic at hand.

Overall, Writer 11 GMV based on more polished scheme work and was better at staying on topic, but the other has potential.

[Supsie]

Writer 11- i think it was well written the dog an the human relating to eachother was a good way to go nice flow aswell.

writer 4- Nice verse and good description of the picture ur working with and the ending was nice an complete.

My votes for 11 because i just feel it had an edge overall.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 11 Wins 3-0