ATT Round 2: Writer 6 Vs Writer 14 - (Writer 6 Wins 5-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6 vs. Writer 14

Rules
Verses are due Thursday, July 3rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred or Dave via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers are changed every round.
Check your PM too find which number you are for this round.

Topic
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs8/i/2005/283/8/9/Basic_instinct____by_denfo.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6

Mama Bear Mentality

*The film starts*
Grieving, unbelieving, a mother bear raged in the forest
Two stillborn cubs, crazed, anger flamed as it came in a torrent
Growling a dangerous chorus, warning how her pain was so horrid
Until she stumbled upon two teddies, saw they had been orphaned
This day was important, she again felt love flare in her heart
And they were different, sure, but that wouldn't tear her apart
She was there from the start and these two wouldn't scare or depart
Her pair she had lost, but these were hers to be caring and soft

Years passed, the love grew, couldn't undo the connections and bonds
Others as foes, exposed claws, were disrespectful a lot
Show up their own cubs to prove her selection was wrong
But if threatening spawn of mama bear the tensions were strong
The best that she got, the birthplace was unimportant
So blessed it brought joy, her mirth made from cubs supported

Then came the man with the gun, instead of planning to run
Mama bear was more concerned with him catching her young
She hid them, then stood tall and roared, a shot and a hit
Her loves safe and ignored, worth how long she had lived
As she bled, her head ran through the times that they shared
A place of peace and at last release still aligned with the pair

*Film Ends*

A woman stood and spoke "Thank you for watching my short
I've received lots of support, these thoughts are hard to explore
Loosely based on the life and murder scene of my mother
But focused on how tender she nurtured me and my brother
I hope to open hearts, it hurts to think of the numbers
Of orphaned children who work for dreams but just suffer
Want to express emotion, how true adoption should be
I still reminisce on times between mama and me"

Vs

Writer 14

The Bear Is Good

Im just a bear so why you hunting me human?
that gun your using makes you look dumb confusing.
I live among mother nature this is my home you invade no
kisses are shown no love only missiles are thrown.
Every day I feel the sun an only end life for the meal iv won
you wanna take my existence steal an run just so you can
kill for fun?

Im a Grizzly bear so of course im gonna try an attack
defend myself leave you dying infact the entire impact
will be the same as you against another human with
the desire to smack. Im a simple creature my biggest
wish an my dream is to catch all the fish in the stream
you wanna cut my head off an post it up the way pictures
are seen?

Let me live my life because im letting you live yours
even tho you messing with big claws im still letting
out big raws, animals give warnings before they
strike thats why we are not even more alike im
the flower on the rose and your the boring spike.
It's not like your gonna care because your
scoring your share ill die an sore threw the air
because when you pulled that trigger you didn't
realise I was much more then a bear....

[Enfinite]

Writer 6:
Very interesting, the ending made the whole piece make complete sense. I was confused at first, you really humanized the bear and I wondered why until I got to the end. There were a few spots that were a bit choppy when I read, but overall, the story was original, I enjoyed it.

Writer 14:
This piece was a little more predictable, but it carried a good message. My issue though was the basic vocab and the flow was choppy in many places. If you straighten those aspects up you can be a great writer, you have story telling, just have to get the other techniques down.

Overall this battle was fairly one sided imo.

MVGT: Writer 6

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6 - I'm not 100% on the story. The film is a metaphor for the woman's real life? I don't know, something about it didn't click. Lyrically, the whole thing was very solid. I was able to flow through the entire thing effortlessly and it was an enjoyable piece to read. Perhaps a slight influence from poetry would boost it forward a little bit. The metaphor of the teddy bears being adopted was great.

Writer 14 - The topic was alright. A little bit predictable and safe, and I'd have maybe liked to see a little bit more reference to the teddy bears in the picture, but storyline wise you did okay. Lyrically, I found quite a few of the rhymes to be a bit broken. Also, try and stick to end of line rhyme because it was slightly hard to predict where the rhyme was coming each time. Good potential though.

Overall, I think one takes this in every area.

GMV - Writer 6

[Lockhart]

Writer 6: I liked this story a lot. It progressed really well and I felt you were able to convey the emotion of the mother bear, and then the two cubs quite nicely. I felt the flow in the first part of your verse was a bit stretched out for my liking, but the scheming you held up to was top notch. One of the better topicals I've read this round so far.

Writer 14: You did a decent job at going through what a bear might be thinking when it sees another human being or what they may think about on an everyday schedule, but you didn't really convey the feeling that was being portrayed in the picture. Also, you had some awkward wording, choppy flow, and some scheming issues that were more prevalent than in your opponent's topical. You've got a foundation to be good at topicals, but you just need to work on the things I pointed out.

Overall, Writer 6 GMV based on what seems to be a better understanding and more experience with topicals, as he had all facets of topical writing pretty much dominated from start to finish. Decent battle, guys.

[Manhattan]

Writer 6: I was really digging the story line and imagery of your topical. Had a nice smooth flow as well because of the multis. I liked the way that everything connected and that your story had a point to it. Solid topical here.

Writer 14: It was fairly smooth because of the multis. However, I felt you focused more on the thoughts of the bear and didn't really have much of a story line. You needed to have more of a story line to follow so that everything could connect

Overall: MVGT Writer 6. They had a smoother and overall better story and use of their topical

[-Dru-]

Overall I liked this, I thought both gave a good account of themself.

Writer 6 - nice flow, the story progressed throughout moving on nicely and really came together at the end - making everything previously read a lot more meaningful. Thought that was a great touch.

Writer 14 - I liked your flow/multis. Sometimes people can get too involved in making a topical too deep and meaningful thinking that is all there is too it and forget that we're still trying to rap about it, so I liked your approach. You just didn't have a story to it. There wasnt any progression throughout. Still a decent verse with a good basis to work from in my eyes.

Vote - writer 6, real nice touch at the end to make you rethink everything you had just read and overall a good job

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6 Wins 5-0