ATT Round 1: Writer 6 vs. Writer 27 (Writer 6 wins 3-0)

[Wonderbred]

Writer 6 vs. Writer 27

Rules
Verses are due Monday, June 23rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.

Topic #4
“A man is great by deeds, not by birth.” -Chanakya

[Wonderbred]

Writer 6

“A man is great by deeds, not by birth.”

He was a clever kid, his grades were aces,
But his days were plagued with moving schools and changing places,
So he could never settle down in a space for ages,
Frustrated, and bullied on a daily basis.
The same kid everyday would cave his face in,
In tailor made displays of rage and hatred,
Leave him dazed and swathed in blood, no saving graces,
And razor blade in vein was the way he faced it.
I would see him and the scars from his cut wrists, harbouring bust ribs,
He'd take a beating everyday, man he was hard as a nut is,
He had no ma' or father he trusted,
So fuck this I'ma be a part of the justice.
I could no longer sit back and watch it,
Knowing that if that obnoxious prick that was boxing this kid like he's not shit
Was never even challenged his bitch ass would not quit
Somebody had to just hit back n stop this.
If not for the sake of a life, just for the fact i'd be making it right,
I drove over and went to the place he resides, taking my time,
Rolled through the front door not breaking my stride and went straight for the guy,
I was equipped with my fists not blazing a nine, but still felt like I could have taken his life.
I put my hands on his throat, it felt amazing and I was going crazy inside,
You could see the rage in my eyes,
This is for the days that he's cried and ways that he's tried...
And that's when I felt him put a blade in my side.
As I saw the blood pour on the floor at my feet, my heart paused for a beat,
What was important to me was more than the deed,
And as I started falling asleep,
I just prayed that the poor kids torture would cease.


Writer 27

“A man is great by deeds, not by birth.”

No first no last/no past romance/no roots cut ends banned a society of friends/determination grim/haunted by devilish eyes see it when I grin/ain't no cloth that can hide the ugliness of sin/spot it in my reflection some time I ask it questions like will I ever win?/got that determination holding it down like bobby pins/was birth out of womb/left it a tomb decorated with a crucifix/holy writ inscribed greatness at resurrection meaning my conception
Took shots for hypocrisy in a dry land/took walks with there philosophies like migrants/Things I do make me the talk of the town/Had these ideas sought them as clues now am used like the common noun/The deeds I do be imprinted on the ground/crimson blood hinted Taktik must be around/Its R.I.P for any body who wants to go one round/ill fight till the day there’s no one in my reach or bound/
They say misery comes in threes/So mind the company you keep
What words they speak when a memory creeps
What feelings secret when your impression is exchanged by a mystique
Emotions can run they even play hide and seek
Till one day you blink and things aren’t what they seam
Or how they oughta be…
Its not evident act’s that go against the heaven sent
How could you punish benevolence?
You choose to live your life in ignorance
At birth I was smacked man took away innocence
Introduced to this world in a tragic event
Placed my foot on a letter of intent
Be a nomad work and give hard labor for the sake of rent
I guess I took freedom out of context /So I made sure to impact all prospects /By invading their cerebral cortex

[Aggo]

Writer 6: I liked the structure of your piece. The flow was pretty good throughout. I felt the topic was a little stale and the ending wasn't anything I couldn't see coming, but over all it wasan average to above average topical.

Writer 27: I felt like you were a little too abstract here and sacrificed a clear direction for the sake of rhyming but the rhyming wasn't even always on point. I felt like you lacked direction and didn't really succeed in creating a piece that told a clear tale which is what I really look for in a topical.

MVGT: Writer 6

[Aggo]

Sorry for lack of expos but I wrote them out once and the site fucked up so

MVGT 6

[IAmFlow]

Writer 6 - The topic/approach of your story depicted the quote okay. I'll admit, that I do not think that is one of the best approaches that you could have taking on that quote. You could have went for something much deeper as far as both emotion and imagery. I thought you were kind of limited, also didn't feel as if the "deed" justified the quote so much either. Didn't feel the ending violence with violence suited it. As far as the writing you started off well with your rhyme scheme, flow was on point, and your word usage was good. But as the topical went on, I felt it gradually went down hill in those areas. Came to a few iffy spots in flow, and some more simplistic schemes as it went on. I just felt like a different writer wrote the last half of the verse than what wrote the top half.

Writer 27 - Thought your verse lacked substance or a real theme to fly with the quote. Seemed like you were jumping around a bit. It was sloppy and hard to read at times. The flow was off and on, and most of the rhyme scheme was so basic that it did no justice (grin, grim, sin, wins, pins, friends).. Just so simplistic. Gotta be more creative and take a good approach for your topical verse. There isn't much more to say honestly, I don't want to sound harsh but it just wasn't a good verse, IMO. Read some of the other topical battles that get good recognition and get an idea of how they are writing theirs.

MGVT: Writer 6 - This one was an obvious one. The above feedback has all the reasoning you need for the vote.

[Dean]

Six. Storytelling wise, I felt it was a decent idea. It wasn't too creative and there wasn't a wow factor, but you executed your your idea well, bringing the most you could out of it. The story was straight to the point, and it didn't stray from the topic. Overall, the verse was a smooth read, a very smooth read. I enjoyed the stretched out schemes, however, it seemed like you had to force one or two multis. The vocabulary wasn't complex, but I felt the simple approach was very effective. Imagery was alright. The verse gave me a pretty clear picture of kid getting beat up. Although, I think adding more metaphors to your verse would be beneficial. Good read. I haven't read too many topicals, but this was one of the better ones.


Twenty Seven. I feel like there wasn't a clear story in this. The verse seemed to have a lot of vague/random ideas that needed to be elaborated. From what I've learned, Story/staying on topic is the most important aspect of Topicals. The flow was alright. It could have tightened up in places, seeing I had to pause in certain spots. As for Imagery, I felt it was a little bit below par. This wasn't a horrible verse, but it wasn't good either.

Writer 6 got it.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Upping for formatting.