ATT Round 1: Writer 15 vs. Writer 18 (Writer 15 wins 3-0)

[Wonderbred]

Writer 15 vs. Writer 18

Rules
Verses are due Monday, June 23rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.

Topic #9
“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.” -George Bernard Shaw

[Wonderbred]

Writer 15

“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.”

One Phonecall

Grab my keys, wallet and leave as I walk to the store,
My phone rings on the side table as I walk from the door,
Will I turn back, pick up or stay ignoring the call?
I guess they’ll leave a message if it’s important at all,
The air, thick, weighing down on breathless lungs,
As if under command from the relentless sun,
The barking of neighbours dogs drones over my side,
The same reason that last night, I was awoken at five,
As bags hang from the eyes, the sun beats on my back,
Energy bleeding and sapped and I feel I’ll collapse,
I stop and sit on a wall and then I rest and sulk,
Remembering my incoming test results,
Insist I’m indifferent if cancer’s existent,
Indignant, convinced that the mole is malignant,
But fuck it, who cares, I’m barely living my life,
Despite being given the time I’ve no children or wife,
If it’s bad news; it’s bad news and that’s just the sad truth,
It’s past due and I knew that my life has passed through,
Until I get the results, I’ll just grow my own suspicions,
Actually, that’s probably the reason my phone was ringing.


Grab my keys, wallet and leave as I walk to the store,
My phone rings on the side table as I walk from the door,
Will I turn back, pick up or stay ignoring the call?
Actually it could be my doctor and then I’ll know the resolve,
Get the phone and said “Hello” to acknowledge that I’d answered,
He told me “I’m very sorry, you’ve tested positive for cancer”,
Speechless, the words were gone, my vocals removed,
“Now I know that it’s true, what do you suppose that I do?”
“All I can say; enjoy the time that you’ve got,
Breath in the fresh air, and live life to it’s all”,
Putting down my phone and wanting to leave,
I left the house and just wandered the streets,
Beams ricochet from the sky and glow on the floor,
The sun smiles on things I’ve never noticed before,
The late night barking dogs, the bane of my existence,
I’d always say I was a victim and that my neighbours didn’t listen,
I didn’t care about anything but trying to mute it,
But what’s barking from a dog living life to the fullest?
I might not have the time left for kids or marriage,
But enjoying my last days? Yeah, I think I’ll manage.



Writer 18

“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.”

It's occured to me throughout my life that SKEPTICISM is a HEALTHY CHOICE
It pales the other options I've seen, such as beREFT INDIFFERENCE to a YELLING VOICE
Proclaiming all these fairy tale scriptures LEFT IN TRENCHES by some BELFRY BOYS
SLINGING SPEARS and BRINGING FEAR in the name of mysticism and their STEALTHY PLOYS

They're happy now, as long as you BELIEVE IN THE LORD and they're SCHEMING FOR WAR
Funny how with all the cash Priests are always NEEDING SOME MORE while FIENDING FOR WHORES
This is false knowledge, you KNOW NOT GOD and God KNOWS YOU NOT
It causes wars and holocausts, you KNOW A FRAUD once he BLOWS YOU OFF

I'm no BETTER THAN YOU, I want love from god as much as the NEXT GUY
It's hard TELLING THE TRUTH, but what you see is knowledge, so don't go gouging your LEFT EYE
There have been god stories since the begGINING OF TIME, maybe there's some TRUTH IN THEM
But where do scriptures get this proof that SINNING IS CRIME, maybe you should be LOSING 'EM

There've been people killed in god's name since GENESIS, SINCE BEFORE THEN
I know I just can not be the only one GETTING THIS, IT'S ABHORRENT
And mid-murder they're telling us what SINNING IS, "QUIT YA TORRENTS"
"Rule 8, soon you'll take candy from LITTLE KIDS, IT'S JUST HORRID"

And they see no HYPOCRISY in SAYING THIS while RAPING KIDS
At least admit, IF GOD IS KING he's CRAZY, SHIT it's daily that he's SLAYING KIDS
So do me a favor, as long as you have to have FAITH and you simply CAN'T KNOW
Follow laws and not gods, the system must CHANGE, make God ditch the DAMN THRONE


*Writer 18 specifically requested that his format of capping his rhymes not be held against him, as he was concerned voters would not otherwise pick up on the rhyme scheme. Don't let syntax factor into your votes.

[Supsie]

Writer 15 - Whole thing was smooth an sounded nice to read I like way it had a simple feeling about it an painted a picture in my brain. I got the idea that false knowledge is every thing average people think is important from it.

Writer 18 - Nice multies an flow it had more a rapping feel to it then the other guys. Church is corrupt people have known this for a long time now would have been better to get somthing else from it tho.

My votes for Writer 15

[Aggo]

Writer 15: Really the only thing I didn't like about your verse was the ending. It seemed very anti climatic. The flow and vocab were good enough. The rhyme was ok and the piece held my attention throughout. Just a lil disappointed by the lackluster conclusion.

Writer 18: Felt your piece was pretty decent. Nothing really exciting or enlightening. It wasn't really a narrative more so an opinion of the hypocrisy of the church and it just all seemed a little obvious. The thing that I disliked the most is probably your last line where you tell people to "follow laws and not gods" but laws are often extremely hypocritical as well, and many of our modern laws are written to mimic the things religion tell us is good. That said it seemed like your verse became hypocritical, just like the thing you were rallying against.

MVGT: Writer 15

[Aggo]

MVGT writer 15

Expoed earlier but the site fucked up

[-Dru-]

Writer 15

I wondered where you were going at the start of your verse, especially with the barking dog. Then it all came together really well and the relevance of the dog became apparent, making it a very good read. I thought the language and vocab reminded me of an experienced topical writer and you did a good job with the topic

Writer 18

I thought you took a more direct approach to the topic. Your verse lacked fluency though and never really had any kind of structure to it. There was no storyline to follow. I'd imagine this may have been due to the fact that the topic was a little tricky and needed some creativity to work an angle - which isn't easy. Also, I know you specifically requested that your layout have no influence on that voting, and I never took it into consideration, but you shouldn't have to cap in such a fashion. Your verse should obviously flow without having to prompt people where the rhymes are. I think you ran into a more accomplished topical writer on this occasion.

MVGT - writer 15

[IAmFlow]

Writer 15 - Very unique, original and creative topical here. Related to the quote in a very creative way and intertwined the two events over "answering or not answering" the phone call and how the attitudes would be if they did or didn't. The fact the verse's almost mirrored each other, but had the different perspective at the same time was an outstanding idea, and you pulled it off very well. Wording, rhyme scheme, and flow was all on point. It was smooth from start to finish. This will most likely be the best verse of the round, if not further rounds to come. I wouldn't see many topping this one here. Very pleased with Writer 15 right now.

Writer 18 - First off, most of whom that would be voting on the topicals will know the rhyme schemes. You don't need to capitalize your multi's, it actually makes it looks like a mess when you are battling on the forums. But nonetheless, it should not degrade from your verse itself. I thought your verse was kind of jumpy and it didn't really have a story or any kind of real transition/progression throughout the verse with the theme that you brought. I thought the "false religion" idea was decent, but in saying that you have to play it off much much better. Some of the wording was sloppy, and the flow wasn't always on point either which is probably do to the fact that you added to the vocabulary and multi' end to try to boost your verse up and I thought in a way that could be the reason that your wording took a bit of a fall here. Overall the idea that you ran with was a decent one, you just have to do a better job with the approach that you take from that idea, and the wording itself. I'd have liked it to be a bit smoother.

MGVT: Writer 15 - This one was an obvious one. If writer 15 continues to write at this level, he will definitely be one of, if not the best contender to take this tournament. But this is just the first round will we see how it progresses as we get further. Great job though.

[Dean]

With my limited knowledge of topicals, I'll try to vote on this to the best of my abilities.

I'll start my critique with Writer 15. Focusing on your story, I thought it was superb. Honestly, this was one of the best topicals I've read. The story was lucid, entertaining and extremely creative. The details gave a clear/concise picture of what was happening , and I loved how the verse was split up into two parts, making it original. Looking on the technical aspects, the verses flowed effortlessly. I noticed most verses, whether topical or text, have an occasional hiccup in the flow. However, I was able to read this entire verse without stopping once. I didn't see any problems with your wording either. Great Verse.

Writer 18. I enjoyed this verse. You're story was well put together, however, it wasn't as creative, compared to writer 15. I felt religion was the obvious approach. Nevertheless, the verse still captured my attention until the very end. From a technical aspect, the verse flowed smooth but there was some questionable wording in certain spots. the Imagery wasn't bad, but it wasn't as strong as verse 15. Overall, writer 15 just made more of an impact in this battle.

FVGHNOH8- Writer 15

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Upping for formatting.