ATT Round 1: Writer 9 vs. Writer 24 (Writer 24 wins 3-0)

[Wonderbred]

Writer 9 vs. Writer 24

Rules
Verses are due Monday, June 23rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.

Topic #14
“A successful man is one who can lay a foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” -David Brinkley

[Wonderbred]

Writer 9

“A successful man is one who can lay a foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”

Here’s a side-by-side view of 2 dudes, one’s named Vernon and the other Joe..
One was successful and crude, the other was wasn’t earning the doe..
Vernon would grab the paper from the vendor before passing the bridge,
Joe’d be wrapped in a blanket, Vernon would start laughing and cringe..
Not a piece of mind or change would be left in the bucket,
Vernon was tired of these homeless people who were infesting the slums, shit..
Day by day he’d pass by and Joe would leave him a friendly gesture,
Vernon wanted to be the one who would end these ‘’deadly’’ pesters,
Not realizing a the real problem was how society frowns upon the helpless,
When they’re the poor at heart and the homeless wouldn't stoop down around the selfish.
Vernon, a successful stock investor was at the peak of his life,
While Joe was around the trash cans mainly sneaking a bite,
Joe would jot down life experiences in his worn notebook,
He’d write about how he forgave Vernon when he got ignored, loaned looks.
Saved a few dollars in an old can from some of the generous offers,
Took a cab and brought his book, decided he’d try to meet w/ a referenced author.
The next day Vernon passed by, decided he’d go and rip Joe’s jacket,
Kicked his notebook down the side walk, shouted ‘’Go and get that, faggot!’’
The abuse went on for weeks before Joe had a chance to go back to the office,
The publisher agreed to go ahead and be backing his causes,
That year the stock market crashed and Vernon lost his wife and his money,
Had to sell the house, the cars, realized that this life wasn’t funny..
A weeks passed, Vernon grabbed the paper from the vendor before passing the bridge,
Saw Vernon on his way, but didn’t laugh nor did he cringe..
Stopped, took a breath and turned.. told Vernon he’d never forget those looks,
Handed him a 20, a pen, and gave him his own note book..


---------- Post added at 10:05 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:01 PM ----------

Writer 24

“A successful man is one who can lay a foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.”

Fist connected with jaw, hard - CRACK - a sickening crunch
Mouth dripping with blood, stumbled by how stiffly he punched
Vision flickering once, twice, but Jay wasn't quittin to duck
This bully the same reason he didn't get any lunch
Again quickly he lunged, Jay felt the fear in his gut
Hid it as he grabbed his collar, bully lifting him up
"Can't you fight back faggot? Like that was just damn pathetic
Fuck it, I'll smash your head in until you can't forget it"
A daily routine, Jay was getting pretty sick of it
But he was only 5'6'', the other guy was big as shit
Plus punches only hurt a little bit, it was the broken pride
The way each hit ripped his very character open wide
Make him hope to die, made him silent so he won't reply
All night when he'd choke and cry, knowing that it won't be fine
The bully spit as he threw Jay to the ground, didn't make any sound
Not a whimper or whisper as gravity was taking him down
Head slammed against a hood, neck jerked, then laying in the parking lot
Bully's form hard to spot, Jay's brain can't tell if it's dark or not
Consciousness all but lost in this, pain and cloudy thinking
Everything except his mouth was loudly screaming
Now he's dreaming, or at least close to it, slow movements
Himself in a vision, how he looks after he pulls through it
Muscular, fast as a jaguar, flashes of hands are
Smooth as a dance and he's moved past all the bad parts
He knows how to fight, untouchable, technique pristine as glass
Calculating each maneuver like machines do math
But better yet, he was content, happy strong and confident
Clearly a king amongst men, laughing off the compliments
That image in his mind's eye made that dark day brighter
And set him on the path as a world class cage fighter

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 9 - I'll start with the negatives. You didn't stick 100% to the story. While you stayed on topic, Joe didn't really build his house out of the bricks Vernon had thrown at him. In fact he build his house of of bricks generous strangers had gifted him. So that aspect was a little off. The rhyming wasn't great, specifically at the start. A little bit forced when it really didn't need to be. Also, the name Vernon? lmao. The upsides were that I followed the story at all times. I didn't stop reading or lose focus. For some reason I wanted to know the outcome, although it was reasonably predictable. You didn't stray off topic. You gave a lot of attention to Joe, one thing I'd like to see for originality is a way to make a character like Vernon sympathise-able. The ending was fairly good.

Writer 24 - The rhyming and flow was smooth throughout. While maybe the rhyming could be called basic, the way you used it made sure that wasn't a hindrance in any way. I felt you perhaps rushed it towards the end a little bit. The whole thing is about this bully and our protagonist Jay's problems, then suddenly we switch into "It's not like that now" and it concludes in just a few lines. I wasn't really sure about the ending either. Like don't get me wrong, I mark out for any cage fighting reference on LB, but I didn't think it was anything big or revolutionary. Also, cage fighter was probably the wrong way to go. Cage fighter sparks a sense of a grimey illegal underground situation, not something you sympathise with someone over. I might have went down the boxer route. Probably, the best thing you could have done here was all your protagonist Mike, and end it with like "Becoming the youngest heavyweight champ of all time" or something.

Overall - I feel personally that Writer 24 was the fairly obvious winner. Both did fairly well in the topical aspect with keeping on topic and their subject matter, all be it a little clichéd on both parts, but lyrically 24 was a hell of a lot better. Good bout guys.

GMV - Writer 24

[Dysfunctional]

Now writer 9 your topical (no offense) seemed like something Dr. Seuss would write IMO. The story moved a little bit too quick for me honestly and the switching back between characters threw me off. I like the idea and some of the rhyming was decent but could've been WAY better with the idea you had.
Writer 24: I liked alot about this one although the idea wasn't as creative as Writer 9 IMO. The story was a little bit easier to follow and flowed alot better. Nothing else to say nice job.

Good topicals by both but MVGT: Writer 24

[Dean]

I liked both of these a lot. Briefly, I felt like Writer 9 had some forced multis, acting as a hinderence to his verse. Writer 24 was much more smooth, in terms of multi usage. I felt both stories were on the same level story wise (maybe verse 9 a tad bit more creative), however, Writer 24 was much more lucid. Nice storytelling teamed up with smoother flow made verse 24 a more engaging read.

FVGBNOH8- Writer 24

[Wonderbred]

Shit, that was quick.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Upping for formatting.