LBAC: Nyarlotothep vs TerraByte - (Nyar Wins 3-0)

[Nerrson-]

24 lines
Topic: Cheating Wife
Due June 10th

@nyarlatothep TerraByte

[Nerrson-]

Thats the surprise. She cheats.. not exactly relationship wise.. she chats on her taxes tho

[Babylon]

The two main people I'm trying to help elevate going head to head, perfect match up imo.

Good luck you two.

[Shodan]

Oh, so it's a forum thing. I think I can do this, it'll also be good practice for the topical tourney.

Oh and Nersson, you're Grizzeat? I thought you were just some random person, I had no idea lol

[Nerrson-]

It was a joke when I said that. I am not Grizz. I just said it cuz ive had three people call me grizz... five call me silk one call me Anand and two call me Rican.. no one can make their minds up.

[TerraByte]

Okay, can somebody answer for me real quick, is there any special format? Should I cap rhymes? if not how do I make them obvious when they're slants cuz so far a lot of them are and I don't want to resort to only end-line rhymes.

[Wonderbred]

Okay, can somebody answer for me real quick, is there any special format? Should I cap rhymes? if not how do I make them obvious when they're slants cuz so far a lot of them are and I don't want to resort to only end-line rhymes.

People will pick up on the slant rhymes. Topical voters are more well-read and experienced, generally speaking.

[Nerrson-]

In other terms. We're not retarded.

[Shodan]

Topic: Cheating Wife
Length: 24 lines
By: Nyarlathotep
Entered: Technically after the deadline I think, but fuck that

Damn... I just came back from a usual business trip
Never thought it would end up with me having to witness this

Got to my home two days early... walked in, yelled "Honey, Dean's already back!"
The only reply I heard was a rustle of some sheets in the sack.
I had a quick suspicion, but I couldn't make myself think about that.
After all, there was no way she could be cheating with Mac...

Made my way to the bedroom, just saw her with a smile that reeked that she had.
No one else, but I knew she was guilty, was she really that weak in our pact?
The unbreakable bond we made that the pastor and deacon had clad
Seemed to be completely voided now - our agreement gone bad.

The whore tried saying she hadn't committed the crime.
I said "Fuck you, bitch, I don't listen to lies"
If some bitch comes around with a dick for the women to ride
Am I supposed to just ignore it and go about forgiving the slime?

The evidence was obvious - it all added up now.
Probably the fucker had showed up just after sundown
Was I expected to just ignore what was done by the bastard (somehow)?
There would be revenge for this; I gave Ashley the rundown.

"Did you really think you could get the past me, you damned whore?
I don't know what the fuck I'm even asking you bitch for
You cunt... were you just acting when you swore
That we were bonded from the heart, with backing from your core?"

She tried to say she didn't do anything... that I was on angel dust or something.
I told her to shut the fuck up, grabbed my glock, and shot the traitor up to nothing.


(Edited to fix a misused dash)

[TerraByte]

Topic: Cheating Wife
Length: 24 lines
By: Terrabyte
Entered:6/10/2014

Christy... "What is it baby?" We need to talk, it's important you see "What's up?"
Well I've been hearing some rumors that've been torturing me "Uh-huh"
I heard you were hanging with Dave up on fortieth street
And I need to know if you're really going to see your foreman this week
"I-" I'm not done yet, I'm informing you these rumors aren't just unfortunate speak

It's more of a meek and hornery thing so just tell me the truth, I don't want ya deceipt
" You gonna believe everything they say? Well, what all did they see? How would you know?
You been following me?" No baby I just- "Well now I'm not done.Think I'm just that blonde cunt
so I let all your friends ride if they want some? " Don't yell at me, it was just a question
"Yeah, a question asking if I'm a bitch that'd fuck ya best friend"

So you're not then? "No, I'm not Ben. " So you're saying this pic don't have you all on him?
"What the fuck?!" That's right Christy, you shite hissy, I know you went and stepped out on me
Like I picked you up so you could find a dick to suck, on your feet ten minutes then you get down on knees
Ben, you've been spying-" Hell no don't you fucking speak!
You've been lying-"Well you weren't fucking me! He was, and at night he'd listen to me
instead of pissing his cheese away on bitches and weed" That was one time!
You said we were finished with! We got back together so you're all mine

This is different bitch! "You want finished? Shit, I'll give you finished then. "
Where you going? "Maybe off to let Dave slip it in! You got a problem?
I'm not yours so why do you give a shit?" You little bitch! I'm sick of this!
I've dealt with this for too long so pack your bags, find a road, and hit it then
And I hope when I slam the door on your ass you get splinterin' where the splittin is.

Fidelity's a virtue, and you tore me though I'd never hurt you
You shook me though I'd never cursed you, but now starting fires is coming back to burn you




Hope that's alright. Not too confident in mine, good luck to Nyar.

[Babylon]

Ny: I liked everything fro the most part, though I wish you'd have utilized your dope rhyming abilities in which you use in text battles within your verse, as the rhyming was pretty lackluster in some places. That's the biggest issue to be honest, conceptually you carried the storyline quite well and kept it interesting the entire time, and I actually didn't see the ending coming in the slightest. I wish you would have made some type of build up to that though, like maybe a bit more of a rage describing buildup to justify that he was actually mad enough to take the life of the female. All in all, pretty solid. All I have to say it up the rhyming and you'll be good.

Terra: Your biggest issue was rhyming, just like Ny, except yours was a bit worse in places. This really hurt your score in my book, as Topical verses should be comprised of good storytelling elements, fluidity, and good rhyming (To state a few traits.) I think that the storytelling element was a bit choppy in places, and less easy to catch on to than your opponent. I will say I enjoyed your ending quite a bit more, as it was more abstract and I just enjoyed the wording quite a bit :D


Overall: It's nice to see up and comers thriving in multiple facets of LB, hopefully we can see more of these two, but...

MVGT: Nyarlatothep

[Shodan]

MVGT: Nyarlotothep

The poor spelling is contagious, I see

[TerraByte]

I knew rhyming would hurt me because it was all slants and it doesn't work so well without audio.

[Babylon]

The poor spelling is contagious, I see

Fixed, sorry about that :D

[Óðinn]

It was a joke when I said that. I am not Grizz. I just said it cuz ive had three people call me grizz... five call me silk one call me Anand and two call me Rican.. no one can make their minds up.

Cunt.... there, minds made up :D

:high:

[IAmFlow]

First off, I am very surprised you mods let all this nonsense in these battles. It should be the first post with the rules, any checks if need be (although checks are meaningless), the verses and the votes. All this other bullshit is unneeded in the battle thread. All it did was trash it up.

Nyariathotep - This started and ended with the most typical of verses that someone could make from this topic. There were many of different variations you could have brought this instead you brought it with the easiest and most unoriginal way. Take some risks and think outside the box. On the other hand, there were sometimes in the verse when you really shined and your writing was on point, smooth, fluid, nice imagery and wording. Then there were the other points when your bars seemed a bit sloppy, the flow got choppy, and that nice imagery and wording just wasn't as on to point as the other parts of the verse. So obviously, the potential is all there. Just keep your writing at a consistent level, and think a little above and beyond. You want to catch the reader, and keep him, and close your verse off making him think about it. Put something unique in it, your own style. Use some nice literary devices, or throw in a twist that no one knew would happen at the end.

TerraByte - Be a little bit more confident next time. I saw that before I started reading the verse and right away thought that this had the chance of not being too good. You didn't really present the fact and/or have a good storyline basis of the outcome of the cheating of your wife. You just basically threw it out there as a rumor in mad dialogue. As far as the writing, it was very sloppy, flow was messed up through the most of it due to the fact that the rhyme scheme was changed every line. The internals were nice at times but the overall flow of things just wasn't smooth. Lines went from a quicker shorter read, too long ass lines. One even went down as a second line. The one thing I liked from this is the "questioning" her in the dialogue you did a pretty good job with that. But for the most part there was no real story here mainly due to the approach you took to the topic of just man and wife talking to each other.

MGVT: Nyariathotep - He won this on the basis of a better topical approach/storyline presented. His verse was also better written as far as rhyme scheme and flow goes. IMO, both of you got some work to put into topicals. I want to see more emotion out of you, I shouldn't read two pieces about cheating wives and get nothing out of it. I want to feel, How fuck upped it is? The Anger, The Sadness, The betrayal. There are way too many emotions in that to not portray them well in your verses. As well as a bit more original on the angles you take on the topic. Take some risks. Read it yourselves before you post it and think if it's something the readers will really enjoy reading, if you were the reader. Stay up.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Nyar - I found that there was quite a few downsides in the rhyming. A lot of it seemed quite forced and as if you wrote the first line and then just tried to carry the scheme without really thinking too much. The topic was fairly unoriginal, and I usually hate the "kill someone / suicide" endings to pieces like this. Overall, you manages to tell a story but I didn't find it to be engaging or impressive.

Terrabyte - Basically everything I said above to Nyar applies to you as well. While I get that when you're dipping your toe in the topical waters, you will want to go with a straight forward topic to make sure you stick to it well. If you're doing this, don't sacrifice the lyricism that you should have from rap battling experience just for the sake of it. I found the flow to be specifically a downside in your verse, which made it hard to enjoy the read.


Overall, both of you wrote these verses in like 10 minutes and it's fairly evident. Not a good topical but I won't hold you guys to it because I know how rushed it was. Sorry for this battle getting closed so late also.

GMV - Nyar

---------- Post added at 02:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:42 AM ----------

Nyar Wins 3-0

[RULE]

added

tbm