WOTW: Subreal vs. Bleu (Bleu wins 3-0)

[Wonderbred]

Subreal vs. Bleu

Rules
Verses are due Wednesday, May 14.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic
http://i.imgur.com/en5h0fT.jpg

[Subreal]

Almost done, Bleu lets get this in due today

---------- Post added at 12:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:30 AM ----------

Wonderbred Bleu

As I hear fireworks and this unfamiliar anthem blare,
I realize it's been a year now since this man was spared,
I see the way out but all i can do is stand and stare,
And as I fall asleep while I chant a prayer,
I dream of my homeland and my grandson there.

One day shit hit the fan with Russia and inevitable war was questioned,
I got drafted into a squad i swore to defend whenever gore was present,
But overtime I had turned into such a coward that the corps came second,
I was on guard duty watching our flank on the day the fort was threatened
And I watched as a ped passed by who sweared he has never worn a weapon
My squad let him pass unharmed, but then the so-called ped pulled out his AK-47
But all i could do was watch as he prepared to send Sgt.Sizemore to heaven

My brothers looked to the tower as they fell, they were moaning for aide
But the man they would die for just stood above the firefight, holding his aim
At that moment I realized I was a coward, wondering how I could go in public, showing my face
And on that day I realized I was no soldier, the firefight was over, they took the man posing away

Here I am in this prison woken by the sound of bullets flying
I assume it's a rescue squad and I almost caught myself smiling
But then asked myself who would rescue someone that left his brothers dying
Minutes later I noticed the lone prison guard had left to join the fighting
So I took my chances and went for my escape and came at the perfect timing
My captors appeared to be victorious and the unknown enemy's forces were declining
On my way away from the fray I saw a dead body by a tree and thought he must've been spying
Then I realized it was another man who deserted comrades that only cared about surviving.

I picked a gun off the body and couldn't have ran back faster
I planned to go from the flank, I was no true soldier, just an actor
I was outnumbered and outmatched, But at that moment it didn't really matter
I thought of my brothers in arms, the good times and all the laughter,
Determined to avenge them, I stormed the flank knowing I was no battler,
But I never want to be a prisoner again and fear has always been my captor

[Subreal]

fuck a no-show, give bleu extension please

[Wonderbred]

Bleu you have a 48 hour extension. I want everyone to post, on time or not.

[Wonderbred]

Subreal: I liked the gritty realism of your piece. You did a pretty good job with the imagery, and I thought you did a pretty solid job of sticking to the topic well. This might just be a personal thing, but I thought the idea of a veteran recalling his war memories was kind of cliche. You pulled it off well, but I just didn't feel like it was super original. Execution was solid, though. Your flow was really nice for the first few stanzas, although I thought it kind of hurt your verse when you strayed from that and went with single word rhymes for the last two. That said, I thought your closer was really powerful, and it really brought the piece together.

Bleu: You went a more abstract route, which is generally a risky move, but you tied it into the topic a lot more than people usually do with that type of verse, so your gamble paid off. Your flow was on point throughout, you did a really good job with your multis and rhythm. Your second to last verse stuck out to me as especially strong. All of it had good imagery, which was a major plus in my book. I really have very few criticisms here, other than maybe one or two awkward multis or out-of-place lines (like investing in the market, that didn't seem very relevant). I think that if you can bring more concrete storylines, like providing more background info of the guy's breakup or something, maybe giving some dialogue about how she left, you can make some serious waves in the ATT. Overall, I was very impressed.

Solid drops by both of you, but
MVGT: Bleu

[Lockhart]

God Bless and #BULLYSWAG

[Babylon]

Subreal: I liked all of the imagery, and the story-telling aspect was pretty on point. Something I didn't like, though, would be how all of the rhymes were systemic in the sense that every single line had the rhyme at the very end, making the verse somewhat repetitive when reviewing the entire piece. I also think that you could have came a bit more complex rather than the one to two syllable rhyme schemes you used within the entire piece, if you had used the type of rhyming complexity wise like in the first paragraph you would have gotten a much higher score in my book. Other than those glitches, you had a very solid piece.

Bleu: Usually I have somewhat of a distaste for these types of verses, as the concept can be abstracted from just about any image making the verses usually seem a tad basic compared to the story-telling aspects another derives from it. With that in mind, I personally believe that your rhyme-ability and flow structuring made the message within the verse quite impactful. This type of rhyming within the conceptual structure of a topical is what really thrives and makes the verse seem more eventful.

Though I enjoyed both quite a bit, I'll have to choose a winner.
MVGT: Bleu

[Wonderbred]

Let's get this closed. Come on people, this has been up for two weeks.

[IAmFlow]

Subreal - Rhyme scheme was okay, the flow was kinda of bland and boring because of the areas with the longer bars on them. The overall story was cool, and you had decent imagery as to what was going on. I did, however, think you could have using better descriptive words when actually depicting what was going on. I didn't feel you really projected this picture very well into you topic. Besides the prison reference there was nothing that could hold that picture in the mind of the reader. Also, with the imagery that you had in your verse, there really wasn't much imagery about the actual Topic Picture itself. That Dark, Desolate, Empty hallway that you had to write about. Overall the piece was an alright drop, I thought the with the picture and the topic connection you could have went much deeper with your verse.

Bleu - Rhyme schème and flow was on point from start to finish. A bit bland, and ehh on the topic IMO. I was would the wording, emotion, imagery.. Verse was well written, but I just felt bored reading it because of the topic that you brought to the table. With that being said I thought you tied in the picture metaphorically nice at the end of your verse with seeing the end of the tunnel. Overall you utilized all the skills in this verse but I thought you were quite limited with the direction you took but still made for a good verse anyways.

MGVT: Bleu - Subreal had the better story, but other than that, I thought Bleu was better in everything else. One of things I got from this picture, was the dark, gloomy place. Decrepit Floor, doors down the hallway. There was just a lot of dark descriptiveness that played into this picture, I didn't feel like either of you brought that kind of imagery to the table. I just felt that imagery was a given for this type of topical picture, just as a heads up for next time. Both of you stay up. Decent battle here.

[RULE]

added

tbm