2013 GC: RD1 - HandJob Alias Vs Phoenix - (Phoenix Wins 5-3)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

HandJob Alias Vs Phoenix

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Friday, November 8th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic
Fly on the Wall

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Phoenix' Verse

I was a young boy, who saw life through lens, and was admired for that trait,
I only had few cents, but made enough money to buy a camera at eight,
After years of flaming passion, I decided what to do ,hence, I followed my fate,
I chose to travel the world, to view gems, and for that I could not wait,



Day 1, I landed in the place of pilgrimage of religion. Palestine,
The same day it was valentine, and I was curious to God's love he given,
I was supposed to take pictures of every palace, shrine, but I was distracted by the israelite's gov division ,
Asinine soldiers were torturing women, as they enjoy the screams of thee children,
But what made me rooted to the spot, was this old lady, walking using a cane,
As she glanced at a alley, and burst shouting: Lord, Save me!
And started losing her sane, she tried to run as she was moving in strain,
Then stopped and hold shaky, the body of her grandson who's blood was sluicing from vein,
She had a seizure at the spot cause nothing was soothing here pain, two more citizens dead,
So the tyrants could remain proving their reign.




Day 4, headed on a jaunt to Russia with diminutive consciousness, seeking for pleasure,
In Moscow, I walked on frosty side-walks, with no leading what ever,
Passing under a bridge, I heard someone breathing with pressure, It was a young girl,
Her face expression was conspicuous,her fear was clear, and easily seen like reading with letters,
She was full of bruises, no major cuts, but she was bleeding however. I took her to a hospital,
And next day, she woke up after sleeping bit fresher. She spoke about her father death,
And how she was raised alone, her father was a writer who was killed by the Russian feds,
Just cause his words raised a tone. She took her hardships to drugs, that how she thought
She saved her own, drugs, that she craved to bone. But she wasn't alone in that same position
Cause there was millions of Russian teens, suffering from from her condition.
I guess not only weak countries have their troubles, from what I seen, high or low, big or small, both have some struggles.


Went back to my hotel room, sat with a cigarette and glass of label five,Thinking about the people I met and If I was able to save their lives. I was only a observer, which made me wish to die and to fall, there nothing I Could've done to fix this even if I try to this all, I held a gun and made the shots penetrate my skull,
Cause I could stand being a fly on the wall.

[HandJob Alias]

I'm Biff the Fly Insect, I’ve split my mind disect, I wish Id die instead of trying “what ifs’ and “I should Haves”
I gotta get and split, my noggin gettin thick, I’m hardened and remiss on my Stool is where I’ll lose my grip. I used to smile and spit, now all this while I sit, just me myself and Fly I lie back on this pile of Shit.
Im downing two a day, soon as the day I’m paid, I hike the long flight up to Lowes to get two cans of Raid
I’ve even said why bother, no wife ill never father, whole life my eyes were larger, time to end it Sui-swatter
When did Biff come to this I used to buzz with crisp full bliss and now I tisk in a hissfull mess no wish to live as I twist to death. Can I kiss her lips just once my miss shall i reminisce how you swung and missed? shall we dance and wish on one night like this please dont mind me pissin on your nice new gifts.
In her flat i once sat back in old Hackensack so i look back at the fact that we called it a flat when in fact I'm from New Jersey here its apartment or du-plax; ok it's duplex where was I? what's next
oh the rough sex! nah but i did witness her rough ex get just a bit too tough wit her lush skin to the point where i buzzed in to annoy and shove him wit all the force in my dub-wings i managed to hover above his brim till this dumb stuttering whimp started to lug his big man muttons to try and crushed lil biff around this Giant I went right and went left always kept one step ahead till I crept a bit close to his head and with one flick he clipped instant ripped Biffs one wing till i fell back no wind hit my head on the vent
Head just bled and I slept, out of breath till one left I looked up at the wall where for her my heart was left.
I wasn't dead “persey” some just assumed from hear-say now I can’t hear that clear-lay so back on shit where I lay. Let me come clean and clear and say
She wasn’t this lady calm and gentle she was a monumental nympho the dude was her Pimp and she was his hoe who owed credentials so the Pimp bro needed air and kinda lifted the window and i flickered my wings slow and got the hell out rode into air thin and cold, what the hell you people gonna be sold, I’m Biff a fuckin fly plain and simple.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Upping

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Phoenix: To start, I HATE pieces which end with suicide. It's worse than "And then I woke up" for me. I felt the main issue in this drop was some faults in the storyline. You might want to devise like a storyboard next time to make sure it all connects.

A photographer buys a camera, and wants to take pictures all over the world.
He sees two people dying in Palestine.
Goes to Russia.
Meets a girl with some problems, which is weird as he was just taking pictures.
Goes to his hotel room.
And kills himself?

I've seen more than two bad thing happen in my time. That dude cant handle a lot can he?

Just try and get in your protagonist's head a bit more. Think of how he'd react to situations, and that will allow you to get a most realistic output.

HandJob Alias I have absolutely no idea what was going on here. I was lost from jump and the road signs were written in hieroglyphics or some shit. I don't even know where to start. The lyricism ranged from okay to not great.

Overall, not a really good contest in here. I managed to get into one a bit more, so I'll go that way.

Phoenix Gets my Vote

[Aggo]

Phoenix: I felt this was lacking in a few places. EtH's observations were pretty spot on. I also felt that it read choppy and awkward due to syllable count, not to mention some grammar issues. Particularly the old lady that lost her sane.

Handjob: I actually kind of liked this. It was played in a way where I couldn't really tell if Biff was some lowlife or actually just a fly. The balance that kept me guessing that also propelled me forward in reading wanting to figure it out. It obviously wasn't perfect but I did like the odd tone of it and appreciate what you were trying to do.

My vote goes to Handjob Alias

[Enfinite]

I dunno. I liked both in terms of trying out the Topical side of things, but when it comes to actually liking it I wasnt fully there. Phoenix had a more straightforward story. The ending, though not predictable, was still left an "Another suicide story" feel to it. As for handjob, I dont even want to know whats going through your head lol. You had the lyrics, though it wasnt the greatest in the world. Overall, it's a battle that could of gone either way.

MVGT- Phoenix

[HandJob Alias]

[QUOTE=UnEtH;965967]Phoenix: To start, I HATE pieces which end with suicide. It's worse than "And then I woke up" for me. I felt the main issue in this drop was some faults in the storyline. You might want to devise like a storyboard next time to make sure it all connects.

A photographer buys a camera, and wants to take pictures all over the world.
He sees two people dying in Palestine.
Goes to Russia.
Meets a girl with some problems, which is weird as he was just taking pictures.
Goes to his hotel room.
And kills himself?

I've seen more than two bad thing happen in my time. That dude cant handle a lot can he?

Just try and get in your protagonist's head a bit more. Think of how he'd react to situations, and that will allow you to get a most realistic output.

HandJob Alias I have absolutely no idea what was going on here. I was lost from jump and the road signs were written in hieroglyphics or some shit. I don't even know where to start. The lyricism ranged from okay to not great.

Overall, not a really good contest in here. I managed to get into one a bit more, so I'll go that way.

Phoenix Gets my Vote[/QUO


i wish i could explain but i have no clue either...

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Haha. I actually tried to read back after I see Agonize' vote, to see if I had missed stuff or whatever. But no. 3 words in, I'm gone. Just not connecting with my brain I guess.

[HandJob Alias]

Haha. I actually tried to read back after I see Agonize' vote, to see if I had missed stuff or whatever. But no. 3 words in, I'm gone. Just not connecting with my brain I guess.

I got back into town that night and literally sat down at like 1030 to get it in before midnight...no excuses and not takin anythin away fro Phoenix but now im a little tearful i must admit cause i got my writing juuices back coulda made somethin of myself Pa!" haha

[Joe MuGGz]

Im completely lost in this one.. Phoenix verse was a bit bland.. The guy kills his self all in what 5 days? Alias.. Was u talkin about a fly or...? Either way, you lost me cus (imo) most readers would not know after reading it.. if you was takin the metaphor route.. it wasnt well executed..

Nevertheless.. my vote goes to Alais.. more entertaining i guess.

[ELOH STACKz]

Vote: Phoenix

DISCOUNTED

[Sean Cron]

Phoenix: you had pretty good flow and vocal. I really wasn't the digging the story very much, especially ending. it was aright and had moments of good imagery, but the narrative wasn't that great.

Handjob: You lost me dude. This verse was all over the place. I feel like it was a bunch of different concepts that just got jumble together. no hate, maybe ry to stick to one strong. concept more next time.

MVGT: Phoenix

[Fidel Z]

Handjob, your verse was put together well, and it flowed nicely, no imagery or descriptive writing, thats what i usually look for in a topical verse, but still you had a solid and well put together verse props on that

Phoenix: I really enjoyed your verse, same as handjob it was a solid verse, the rhyming could've been better in my opinion, but unlike your opponent you had some imagery when you described russia had frost etc and you basically described different destinations which i liked.

Vote goes to: Phoenix

[Dono]

Phoenix: I actually like the scenery changes relating to the 'oh man the world is shit' guess I can't do much I'll off myself. Not the most engaging ending but the premise was relatively plausible, just not explained deeply enough.

Handjob Alias: I really enjoy the idea here (assuming you were going for some metaphorical piece) but the execution was so so sloppy it was hard to slosh through. Had you cleaned it up a bit I think it would have made for a real nice and unique narrative.

Overall, both pieces had some serious flaws but I can't overlook just how jumbled alias's piece was regardless of how much I enjoyed the concept.

Vote to Phoenix.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Phoenix Wins 5-3

[RULE]

tbm

added