Fidel Z (0-2) Vs Dysfunctional (0-3) - (Dysfunctional Wins 3-1)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Do I usually write stuff in here? I can't remember, and can't be bothered.

Topic: The Good Doctor

Fidel Z Vs Dysfunctional

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Fidel Z

The Good Doctor

As I awoke from my sleep; the good doctor said to me
10 years had passed son, and I had aged drastically
All I remembered was a garden full of rabbits, birds and trees
Sunny evenings, as a child inhaling summers early breeze
Then the atmosphere changed, I was attacked by vicious figures
Pinned me to the ground, I heard my neighbour shout “let him go you evil niggers”
I wanted to look my killer in his eyes, but all I heard was blasting triggers
Then woke up to the smell of a hospital, and the snapping of the good doctors fingers
He said “son can you hear me? Blink if you can”
I blinked twice and notice my brother walk in with a can Pepsi in his hand
I felt my vision getting better, as I look past my brother
I saw an old Asian lady sitting in a corner, and it was none other
Than the lady whose voice I heard last, screaming let him go
Then I heard the good doctor say, you’ve been here long enough lady it is time for you to go,
I squint my eyes for I had noticed a stranger in the dark
I shiver and panic, it’s the same feeling I had during the danger in the park
I look at my brother hoping our eyes would lock
He’s too busy; talking to nurses I hate this damn jock!
The good doctor looks at me and says “Son you okay?”
If I could warn him I would and tell the good doctor to run away
The strangers invade the room, and shoot everyone… I was trapped in my bed
One walks slowly towards me, reloads his weapon and puts the strap to my head *BANG*
As I awoke from my sleep; the good doctor said to me
A Life time had passed son, and I hadn’t aged drastically
I looked into the mirror; my skin looks the same way it did when I was seven
The good doctor said “son, you made it” and welcomed me into heaven.

Vs

Dysfunctional

The Good Doctor

Good Doctor
It was the last words she spoke to me
8 am the family hopes to see
Their young gem holding onto her life like the rope in gym class
She shouldn't be in this position at this age it's such a mismatch
She cries on the bed body convulsing from the medication
I've been here for 14 hours her screaming my head is aching
I have been working in the profession for what feels like a couple seconds
And already i feel like a veteran to this section
The young girl has leukimia and a brain tumor
It must be hard she's so distraught i can feel the pain through her
Just then the x rays come back and there something i couldn't fathom.
She has three more tumours on her left leg lung and back.
The sorrow starts filling me the operation to fix her is to expensive to ask of
Work must be done i have more patients the waiting room's getting packed
I make the call probably not the smartest decision
I tell the family that from my prediction
She wont make it through the night
The family is left in fright
They can't believe it
The next decision is crucial I just have to ease it
Eventually the words flow from my mouth
"We should put her out
Of her misery"
The family can't comprehend the imagery.
Of seeing their 6 year old daughter pass away in a gurney
Another lie spews out i say " It's crucial we gotta hurry"
Not another question is asked they confide to my wishes
I walked to the daughters bed and just to my suspitions
She's staring at me have awake with her cute blue eyes
I stare back in hopes of expressing to her "you'll do fine"
" Hi doctor" she mumbles back to me
No words can describe the regret i feel you'd just have to be
In my shoes to realize what i had to do
her whole body scarred and black and blue
I whispered in her ear "You'll have to go to a special place my dear your family will meet you there soon"
She responded with a simple "YAY thank you"
As I pulled the plug on the life support i hear words being spoken from upon her
She flops her head in my direction saying "You were a Good Doctor"

[Murderous Swag]

Both verses had potential....You both stuck to the topic pretty well,Didnt really think outside the box like id have liked to see but my winner just painted a better picture with his words.Close though fellas
vote goes to -fidel z

[The Ghost of Freak]

EtH , Fidel Z , Dysfunctional Both were great. Very different perspectives. Both stuck to the topic relatively well, I felt Dys edged it with staying on a bit more. Where Fidel Z gave me a bit clearer imagery, Dysfunctional evoked more of an emotional response surrounding the character of the good doctor in relation to his ailing patient. I really enjoyed the read. I gotz to choose one although both were very good topicals... hard choice... but I think I've got to go with Dysfunctional on this one. Props to Fidel Z tho.

The Freak vote goes to Dysfunctional.

PEACE HOMIEZ. Keep it 100.

[Dirty Work]

Fidel Z: You had a great idea for this topic I enjoyed the suprise at the end, but like your other topicals I've read, you need to work on keeping a clear storyline. You jumped around too much, and added some lines that didn't support the story at all. I understand you were just painting a picture with things like the Asian lady and your brother being in the room, but the way it was done was quite distracting. What is the story about? Is it about the Asian lady's dedication in seeing you get better? Also you say nothing about who these "killers" are, and why this happened to you which would have been helpful. All in all i still enjoyed it, I just think you could have done so much more with this concept by sticking to one or two sentiments, and explaining things a bit more clearly.

Dysfunctional: This was a pretty good read, much better than your last topical I read. The story was a bit predictable and generic, but you did a good job of creating something emotional for the reader. I think this story could have used more development of the little girl's character and maybe some lines creating a more personal relationship between her and the doctor. Also you have some pretty glaring flow and syllable count problems in this piece, I have to point that out. Fidel had similar problems, but I noticed it more on your end. Lastly, it's not a good idea to randomly throw a sinlge A, B, A, B scheme in the middle of a straight rhyme pattern.

I thought Fidel Z had a better concept and less technical problems which puts him very close to the win, but Dysfunctional's piece was just a bit more powerful and though the story was somewhat generic it was also much easier to follow.
Vote: Dysfunctional

[Aggo]

I like the direction Fidel was going at the end but it was more of a epilogue than an actual twist. It didn't surprise me at all. There were some issues with wording and grammar that made the read a little awkward for me. Dys had some issues as well, as DW said, with syllable count, flow, and wording, but I felt more of an emotional response from his verse and that has me leaning in that direction.

Dys gets my vote.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Dysfunctional WINS 3-1

[RULE]

Dysfunctional 1-0