Need some help..

[Obey]

Okay, so I've been told on almost every battle I've ever had: ''You need to work on your wording.'' I have no clue what this means, I'm going to post my last battle's bars. Someone explain to me and give me a helping hand so I can elevate. I seem to be stuck on this bump here, I need to get over it. Thanks to whoever helps.

Verse:

If you were told ya ‘suited for the top, man what ‘SPEECH ARE YA HEARING?’ I’ll quickly ‘rid this Dick, Knix, son:’ like it's an imPEACHING FOR NEARING (Richard Nixson) But this ‘Other half of me wants to take ya brain:’ in some type of MANIC DEPRESSION so don’t be surprised if you see knix ‘Checking himself all around:’ like a fun house full of MAGIC REFLECTIONS till his ‘Eyes’re closed and his heads cocked:’ people all around with some TRAGIC EXPRESSIONS.. But he don't wanna be 'Caged in with me' this PRICK STANDS CLEAR so when I 'Take The fighter outta you ,see, that's the only time KNIX CHAMP HERE! (UFC/Ultimate) ACs..

[Liquid Wolf]

people tell me to fill up the box when i battled ohs but i killed him

he worded his verse like a book with no punchlines and every line i had was a punch

but i didn't "fill up the box"

---------- Post added at 10:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 AM ----------

ohs

i aint 'buyin' what you 'SELL' WHY YOU FLOWIN so try to 'pick this up' but its too HEAVY TO COPE w/ if u had a 'poison pen' there still wouldnt be nothin DEADLY IN THOSE SCRIPTS I jus started but u grippin the white flag all READY TO THROW IT(give up) that bitch made shit I wont EVER CONDONE IT, so keep actin like a 'saint', and be the DEVILS OPPONENT cuz everywhere I 'run thru i leave a flat line' n LEVEL COMPONENTS then send there souls to the heavens n leave EVERYONE FLOATIN knife out the freezer servin 'cold cuts' like the DELI WAS OPEN have u covered w/ more 'bandaids' then NELLY WAS SHOWIN!!


Me

this bad luck B(bee) got flaccid stings I burn thru a black cloud no acid rain
the Sniper has a zoom for purpose or show up to your door with treys like room service
ohs whole flow is a fiasco talking about aiming a Laser but its a failure
throw a challenge my way get beat with hands like a lonely valentines day
notice I don't have any stories of banging your lush whore
but she give good head they should put her on Rushmore
i beg your pardon i burry lames in my yard thats a square foot garden

[Row]

either your crew aint helping much or you forgot to put this issue in ya crew forums.

[Nicholas]

people tell me to fill up the box when i battled ohs but i killed him

he worded his verse like a book with no punchlines and every line i had was a punch

but i didn't "fill up the box"

---------- Post added at 10:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 AM ----------

ohs

i aint 'buyin' what you 'SELL' WHY YOU FLOWIN so try to 'pick this up' but its too HEAVY TO COPE w/ if u had a 'poison pen' there still wouldnt be nothin DEADLY IN THOSE SCRIPTS I jus started but u grippin the white flag all READY TO THROW IT(give up) that bitch made shit I wont EVER CONDONE IT, so keep actin like a 'saint', and be the DEVILS OPPONENT cuz everywhere I 'run thru i leave a flat line' n LEVEL COMPONENTS then send there souls to the heavens n leave EVERYONE FLOATIN knife out the freezer servin 'cold cuts' like the DELI WAS OPEN have u covered w/ more 'bandaids' then NELLY WAS SHOWIN!!


Me

this bad luck B(bee) got flaccid stings I burn thru a black cloud no acid rain
the Sniper has a zoom for purpose or show up to your door with treys like room service
ohs whole flow is a fiasco talking about aiming a Laser but its a failure
throw a challenge my way get beat with hands like a lonely valentines day
notice I don't have any stories of banging your lush whore
but she give good head they should put her on Rushmore
i beg your pardon i burry lames in my yard thats a square foot garden

That made me laugh so much. Not sure if srs.

either your crew aint helping much or you forgot to put this issue in ya crew forums.

I second this, at BSI one of the main things we do is critique each others verses for the purpose of improvement.

Okay, so I've been told on almost every battle I've ever had: ''You need to work on your wording.'' I have no clue what this means, I'm going to post my last battle's bars. Someone explain to me and give me a helping hand so I can elevate. I seem to be stuck on this bump here, I need to get over it. Thanks to whoever helps.

Verse:

If you were told ya ‘suited for the top, man what ‘SPEECH ARE YA HEARING?’ I’ll quickly ‘rid this Dick, Knix, son:’ like it's an imPEACHING FOR NEARING (Richard Nixson) But this ‘Other half of me wants to take ya brain:’ in some type of MANIC DEPRESSION so don’t be surprised if you see knix ‘Checking himself all around:’ like a fun house full of MAGIC REFLECTIONS till his ‘Eyes’re closed and his heads cocked:’ people all around with some TRAGIC EXPRESSIONS.. But he don't wanna be 'Caged in with me' this PRICK STANDS CLEAR so when I 'Take The fighter outta you ,see, that's the only time KNIX CHAMP HERE! (UFC/Ultimate) ACs..

I think I may have said the wording thing to you. Defining a word is difficult but I'll give my best shot at explaining. Wording is how you word your bars, what words you use, how you describe and set up your bars.

Let me just grab the mid-section of your verse...

But this ‘Other half of me wants to take ya brain:’ in some type of MANIC DEPRESSION so don’t be surprised if you see knix ‘Checking himself all around:’ like a fun house full of MAGIC REFLECTIONS till his ‘Eyes’re closed and his heads cocked:’ people all around with some TRAGIC EXPRESSIONS

You're using a lot of unneccesary words which stretches the bar and ruins the flow for example you could of worded that first bit something like...

The 'Other Half of Me' will 'Take Ya Brain' like types of MANIC DEPRESSION so if you see Knix 'Checking Himself All Around' it's not fun houses with MAGIC REFLECTIONS

See how you can cut out unneccesary words and word things to make them flow better. The other thing I wanted to point out is that sometimes you have to use proper grammar to make things come off properly Eyes'Re is going to make the reader have to stop to re-read it, it's not natural. You would of been better off writing Eyes Are.

Hope that helps, if you want any more info join BSI........ or pm me :D

---------- Post added at 11:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:39 AM ----------

PS.
Wording changes are often extremely minimal, they look very pedantic but they can have a big effect on how hard a punch comes off.

[Obey]

Row - No one's online ATM. I usually talk to Manhattan on a basis to help me out. I just wanted a ''general'' observation, maybe some different input. My crew's helped me get from nothing to a decent text battler, so don't take nothing from them. Nothing wrong with asking for help from others.. But Nicholas thanks for the feedback.

[Liquid Wolf]

bar wise who had the better verse? Obey

[Dean]

Just use words you'd say in real life