XplicitKontent Vs The doom - (XplicitKontent Wins 5-2)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

XplicitKontent Vs The doom


Rules
Verses are due Friday, August 2nd.
1 Day Extensions may be available on request.
Verses must be 30-40 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.

Topic
Last Breath

XplicitKontent The doom

[The doom]

Good luck fam XplicitKontent

[Denton]

You too The doom should be a great one

[The doom]

I didn't get the voting thing tho. EtH :D

[Hubert Cumberdale]

If you get 3 votes in a row (making it 3-0), you win by KO (Knockout). If they get a vote in the middle (Making it say 2-1, 1-1, 3-1) etc, then it becomes first to 5.

[Denton]

We awoke early morning, location Logar Province Afghanistan
0600 hours November 4th 2010 LT says "Route Clearance, That is the plan"
We left at 0800 our minds racing with thoughts of the possibility of death
completely unaware that one of us today would draw his last breath
On the road we hear our leader key the radio and speak a quote so free
Enemies wont get the best of me he said "we have a rendezvous with destiny"
20 kilometers from our missions beginning i felt my head spinning
This war is what we should be winning but I can never see an ending
I felt a swelling in my throat it almost made me choke emotions never clear
My hands started to shake I swallowed the feeling it was only fear
This is what we were born for, we must remain vigilant
nothing intricate about this profession the death of the enemy is imminent
Time to dismount there's no sound just the chirps of a small town
Today did not feel right, there was an unrest in the air that was unsettling
This war is for nothing it seems pointless for us to be meddling
My stomach churned as we patrolled the streets even though I wasn't hungry
But it was something that bugged me this surely couldn't be nothing
The streets seemed to disperse before our eyes people moving from the center
None would speak to us there's something wrong with this picture
We continued onward as I chewed on a starburst my thoughts harbored
at what could be waiting for us just a little bit farther
When suddenly a dreaded sound was heard all around
explosions and the crackle of gunfire filled the air aloud
We moved close together to protect our fellow brethren
time seemed to stop it seemed a minute could never end
Sergeant Jason McCluskey moved us to stack against a wall
after that what I saw was something I wish I didn't have to recall
He moved around the corner his rifle at the ready
His body unnerved he held it steady this was the man that lead me
seconds later I heard a pop followed by six more
My leader Jason McCluskey fell to his knees blood splatter on his core
he lifted his rifle with one hand and emptied his magazine
his face hit the dirt we grabbed him and dragged him off the scene
He laid in my arms back against the wall he spit out a stream of blood
despite the Scene above his eyes filled with streams of love
he pulled out a bundle of letters and said "give these to my son"
"Tell him I loved him and I'm sorry I couldn't be there since day one"
The team stood in disbelief, this was the man we thought could surpass death
Superman McCluskey said he loved his son as the words of his Last Breath

[The doom]

Magians are people who used to worship fire, just in case.

[June 20th : 4:25 pm]

I had the heart shattering phone call, My brother, Zaid Shakir is all ill, I raced my heart beats to him with a terrified chill , sweat drawing pictures on him even though his face was still, for the first time I couldn’t hear his voice but his eyes said more than this paper could ever fill.

[June 21st: 12:10 am]

Like an evil, source-scouting, life-bounding, enemy. Cancer had torn his lungs and was willin to take Zaid away from me, and I attempted any well-proposed, suggested Remedy. In one night, I meditated till I achieved Samadhi, but for me Buddah had no single empathy. So, I lit a circle of fire around his diseased individual, summoned all Magians to cure his ailment with their ritual, chants being repeatedly murmured, the room was sparking with amazing visual, doors swung open n a light shone throw as the Godly usual, I thought a saviour is saving my brother it was immensely spiritual, but it was only the devil taking his steps in a gradual, manner, trynna penetrate my soul through weaknesses and instinctual, fear, what a filthy planner...So I abandoned the Satan and looked towards God, suddenly I acknowledged everyone, from Adam to Noah in the Arc, saw him feeling saved ready to embark, I saw Jesus elevating to heaven with his crucifixion mark, Moses splitting the sea to survive the pharaohs and the bites of the shark, And I screamed at Him, Why the fuck my brother was left in the dark! Why was this church and mosque only a landmark?! Where are you when I call upon you to cure his lung n keep the thump of his heart!

[June 21st: 5:30 am]

I had to accept Zaid was leaving an left his mark on the road with a solid sole, Long were the days of pain he spent inside his body’s wall, and long were the days he could feel sweetness inside his soul, an I realized I was selfish for clinchin to him just cuz I could see myself through him like a keyhole. So we all came around his death bed, I said “why shall the day of gathering be the day of parting?” He smiled faintly with a shaky voice n put all his heart in. “Your prayers worked, I can see with Noah I be riding, and I never leave your memory so why you asking”. Happiness filled me n said “Your memory is crystalized an be bound in a mould shall you leave home” and Alone and without his nest shall this phoenix flutter across the sun in this beautiful dawn, Love only knows its depth when the beloved is gone. So he looked above and smiled to pull his last breath, I guess this God will always be smiling at my earth.

[Streetz De Hood]

I want to drop a vote on this but quick question. @EtH (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=70990), The rules were MUST be 30-40 lines but @The doom (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=871737) only has 28.. now is that a DQ or what? Just asking so I know whether or not to vote

[Hubert Cumberdale]

I'm alright with someone being 1 or 2 over/under. It wont effect the outcome over something so trivial you know.

[The doom]

I actually didnt know how many lines that would come up to, so I put the text in an open battle and it said it was 39 lines so I thought that was enough. Streetz Da Hood thanx for pointing that out. EtH thanx for being lean with it.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Yeah forget that battle box shit The doom.
The way you write is in the format I'm doing now.
You rhyme the last word/phrase of every line however.
This would be 4 lines right here, you get me?

[Streetz De Hood]

XplicitKontent (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=46452): When I first saw the topic i was like lemme guess a war and hospital story..and you guys did just that lol but with that said this is not bad, you took a common war story but gave it flair by adding the dynamic of this perceived larger than life soldier. That element of peer's perception vs reality made it much more than a war story, and much more than death. Which I thought was a brilliant spin on "The Last Breath". Many times people criticize "played concepts". There's nothing wrong with trying to reinvent what someone has done before as long as you make it your own. and that's what you did. Another thing I like is that this sounded like a page out of a novel rather than a poem.. that really pulled me in. With that said... i do feel as though your vocab could've been better and there was 2 lines where u randomly abandoned rhyming..and it kind of threw me off. Also your 1st 3 lines had a tough flow to it bc of all the numbers.. that's something maybe you'd want to change in the future...

The doom (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=871737): This was a very cool read.. cancer stories are so common that its hard to excite the reader with it or to get that emotional attachment to ther character.. but u did that. I like how you added timestamps.. that really helped put this ordeal in perspective.. cancer is a taunting thing that we often deal with for months n months.. but u chose to focus on the intensity and emotions of a 25hr span which was brilliant.. u were very descriptive.. the different religious figures gave this a unique spin.. u made it buddism vs christianity.. God vs satan.. death vs life.. anger vs acceptance.. vision vs reality.. that was very dope.. i actually read that part twice... overall this was pretty cool.. my major prob was the structure and sometimes your rhyming was off which made it mildy awkward in certain places..

Both of you are talented topical writers... there's room for alot of grow though.. i'd say up the creativity beyond the twists.... and you two could probably end up being some of the best on this site

Both of you used concepts that arent even the least bit original but you made it your own..so i based my voting decision on things like depth, description, flow, structure, among, creativity, overall enjoyment..

Vote: The doom

I'd love to battle both of ya'll later on in the month...

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Xplicit Kontent, not a bad first shot here. In the early parts, the lines were very long so the flow was dead, but it picked up as you progressed. There was a few good indications of imagery throughout which I liked to see. You used good examples of poetic techniques which is a great sign for someone dipping their toe in the water with topicals. The story was uninspiring to me though. It was a generic war story, and I always hate when a story ends with a death. Nothing different came about it. I didn't feel attached to McCluskey, despite the Scottish name, so when his character died it fell short of what you intended for me.

the doom, the biggest downside to me was that there was several little spelling mistakes and issues with use of vocabulary throughout. You want to make sure all of this is smoothed out, in battling or topical writing, because otherwise the reader struggles to grasp where you are going. I think it was a risk to go down the foreign religion route, but it worked out alright for me. You touched on some imagery when the spirits appeared, but I felt you could have really dug deep into it and gave us some bright colours with their arrival. You too will be good in topicals once you give them a few more gos and practise trying to clean it up a little bit. Your writing style, in using the battle box to gauge your lines, gave you an instant disadvantage to me.

Overall, this was a close enough contest. I felt that one was just more enjoyable to run along and was easier for me to get into, while the other took a unique angle but it didn't connect with me.

Xplicit Kontent GETS MY VOTE

[The Law]

XK: right from the beginning your flow was dragged out. Just felt like I was reading a story from a book for a while reading than a topical. It started to flow a bit more as you wrote. You could have did a better job at progressing through the story, maybe bringing a more creative approach. I thought the war story and/or dying would be your typical 'last breath' topical. Wasn't much of a twist either, just a pretty simple story here. If your going to use that type of story, I would suggest writing in a more emotional or intense standpoint to draw the readers in. Make them feel whats going on.

Lines like
Time to dismount there's no sound just the chirps of a small town
We continued onward as I chewed on a starburst my thoughts harbored

along with some bars at the end had some nice imagery. Overall it wasn't a bad drop at all, but it wasn't outstanding either. Seemed more like the play it save kind of verse.

Dr. Doom: To start your vocab and rhyme scheme could be a bit better. I thought there was a lot of lines that were just a bit too simplistic. I'll be honest with ya, I wasn't really feeling the religion approach that you brought on this. I thought you could have delved a bit deeper emotionally in the characters feelings about your brother zaid. It could be some better vocabulary that you need to just get the better depth to your verse. Flow was choppy in areas. I would suggest fixing up your structure a bit so its not all bunched up.

I had to accept Zaid was leaving an left his mark on the road with a solid sole, Long were the days of pain he spent inside his body’s wall, and long were the days he could feel sweetness inside his soul, an I realized I was selfish for clinchin to him just cuz I could see myself through him like a keyhole

lol I read that with the long were the days, I felt like I was listening to a gospel lmao.


MGVT: XK - His story progressed better. XK also brought a better array of vocab and imagery than his opponent. I thought Doom had a more unique approach but due to the way it was written it didn't work out as well. I thought there were many areas of Dr. Doom's topical that he could have touched up on. Overall, this wasn't a bad battle though. I am sure you both will elevate quickly.

[Lockhart]

One's topical was fairly good in being able to build on the story while making sure that it rhymed. The poetic aspects were also very good and articulated quite well, especially considering the topic itself is very "rigid" because the idea of active duty is not a free-flowing concept to go through, so very well done on that. Other's topical I felt was very good as well in terms of the rhyming portion, but it was hard for me personally to keep up with the story because of the separations between the plot. Also some of the writing I felt was straying a little off topic because it seemed as if he was trying to go in between two main ideas at one time. I have my winner.
W: XplicitKontent

[Aggo]

I felt like these two verses were pretty evenly matched as far as flow, rhyme, and vocab were concerned. Both did well but neither blew me away. So my vote is based upon whose story felt more fleshed out and completed. I felt that XK had a more complete story line than his opponent and therefore he gets the vote. Good job to both and keep grinding.

Winner, XK.

[Jam Jar]

These were fairly interesting to read although, as Streetz said, both were taken in a predictable direction. Not that this is a bad thing at all, just sometimes, it is actually a lot harder to do well with a played-out concept, even when it seems riskier to take things in an odd direction.

XK - I felt that yours worked as a complete 'document' if not as a complete story. It didn't keep my attention all the way through as it was kind of long winded at times. I think you could have kept the same solid strong ideas, but delivered them more snappily. This would allow the focus to be on the art of the storyteller, rather than the bombardment of details. Flow was kinda patchy, but solid enough.

Doom - I know flow never makes or breaks a piece, but yours was really jumpy. Some parts of it flowed really well, in the way I read and interpreted it, but others really lagged. The concept of cancer within poetry/cyphers/storytelling is one that is really deep and evocative, and meaningful to a lot of people, and there's a danger of being insensitive. I think you just about dodged that, by relying on regular personifications of Illness as a metaphor. It worked well.

I find this quite a tough one to call - none jump out as me as amazing, and none jumps out as being wildly better than the other. I think I'm gonna have to vote for Doom on this one, because it kept my gaze much easier and the ideas were organised in a way which lent itself well to the topic.

Keep powering on gentleman. JJ

[Iron Mike]

I preferred XplicitKontent's verse.It was simple, but it was told with realism. It probably could have used more words that conjure imagery. What gave it that sense of realism was the military jargon, and I understand that you are in the military, so it's probably a story that not too many can tell as well as you. But a bit more imagery words would've helped the audience to dwell within the story more. I felt the Doom's story was slightly all over the place. 1st of all, the brother's name suggests an Islamic background. But then, he started talking about reaching a state of samadhi which is of the Indian tradition. And then before we know it you're talking about a Judeo-Christian Moses and God etc. it just didn't seem focused. On top of that, I felt the 1st verse did more to capture the idea of "last breath". My vote goes to XplicitKontent.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Xplicit Kontent WINS 5-2

[RULE]

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