ATT SF: Writer 2 Vs Writer 3 - (Writer 2 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 2 Vs Writer 3

This topical is part of the Anonymous Topical Tournament

Rules
Verses are due Tuesday, July 23rd.
Verses are to be sent to EtH (www.letsbeef.com/eth) via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 40-50 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.

Picture
http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/082/9/2/street_riot_by_maykrender-d5yz3n7.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 2

http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/082/9/2/street_riot_by_maykrender-d5yz3n7.jpg

All officers weapons free - That's what he said to me
Trained, though nothing could have prepared me mentally
An ecstasy of energy running through me
Future opponents, in this moment I'm loving duty
Chaos all around, tons of heat, rioters run the streets
Facing their armaments and some carry guns at least
I can finally shun my leash and find some release
Cause I'm guessing that life lessons are fun to teach
So loud, the adrenaline has heightened my senses
Frightened, defenceless, some try to hide from the menace
Others scream, wildly thrashing, incomprehensible babble
Words I can't piece together cause I've never played scrabble
My vision is clear too, despite rolling black smoke
The ashes of a destroyed neighbourhood that only had hope.

Two targets approach, mounting a car, shouting from far
Clearly with violent intent, no doubting a spar
One holds a bottle in hand, aflame, soaked in gasoline
I smell it, one of many items used to trash the scene
We approach slowly, as a unit, staying steady
As those men motion maliciously, each step weighing heavy
The one in red acts first, lobbing his Molotov cocktail
We're too slow and it drops well, flaming up a hot spell
Hit an officer, I watch as he's engulfed in flame
I know his name and am impacted with tenfold the pain
It's my partner, I've met his daughter, his father
Hoped our training together would have gotten us farther
He let out a sound, an awkward awful yelp from hell
As protective gear fails oozing into a melted shell
Knew him since I was barely born, watching flesh boil
Death oil, smokeless in the air as the stench coils
My brain shuts down, drills deleted, pure animal thoughts
Engage target, kill, find weakness in any tangible spots
I lunge through the air, knocking the assailant over
Car to ground, hard impact, could easily break his shoulder
But that doesn't matter, he shoulda tried running faster
Dumb ass bastard, they never showed me the blood would splatter
I hear officers yell "back!" But those notes are void
As I clamp jaw to jugular, instantly his throat destroyed
Our eyes meet, for me, it's a nice treat to watch his death
Knowing revenge is mine alone, I stopped his breath

Police speak "Oh god, what's with the dog acting all mental
Two killed already and he won't come back to the kennel
The scenario worsens, getting harder to fight it
And now one of our own officers is part of the riot"



Vs



Writer 3

http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/082/9/2/street_riot_by_maykrender-d5yz3n7.jpg

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Today in Queens, New York at approximately 6 pm
All hell has broken loose as the streets are being rioted by convicted men
Explosions set off earlier impacted the holding cells at Riker's Island
Releasing the highly profound criminals that had yet to put their time in
As you can see the streets in queens have been flooded with destruction
Insane minds that are corrupted unwilling to settle down by discussion

Within a moments time my lights began to flicker and the TV went static
I can here the noise in the distance getting closer and manic
So I got up to look out the window of my two story apartment
To see criminals outside in debate like a jury of arsons
With cloth and lighters waiting to set the bottles off
I am sitting here worrying that my window might get the molotov
Watching the rubble and debris that continue to tumble 'round the street
Seeing other standbyers crumble to down to their knees
In disbelief of the scene that is erupting before their eyelids
The exploding chaos from a war of tyrants
To the right side I can see the swat team rushing in trying to contain the madness
To the left criminals that have spun the axis turn the street to flames and ashes
The swat team was outnumbered, but they stood tall trying to hold proper
But from above the scene looked like a kick returner running with no blockers
As time begins to move forward and these turn of events progressed
My worrying mind started to get condensed
If the police couldn't withstand this disturbing violence
I knew the only way to survive was to become defiant
Choose an alliance with those that consist of immoral guidance
I ran down the stairs with idea burnt into my memory banks
No going back to my exemplary ways
I rushed out in the riotous crowd with the intent to spread the fight
and survive the days attack and continue on with my life
I grabbed an extra molotov made by one of these stray criminal
Jumped on the car in the middle of the street like a displaced pinnacle
Yelled at the top of my longs, 'inmates lets brush through these cop bastards'
They all screamed with recognition and there charge got faster
unloading before my eyes I saw the swat members getting knock backwards
A gruesome battle, you could here the bones crack and the shots firing ablaze
I didn't care for another life, as long as I got to live another day
So I watched as every police officer got trampled
Just waiting for my moment to get a clean break and scramble
But in the seconds I thought I was going to live and stay through it
In the cross heirs of the fire I got hit with a stray bullet
Penetrating my heart.. I finally look at the sky trying to speak now
But through that little hole all the 'love and mercy' leaked out
I dropped the molotov and fell to my knees as my pulse got spotty
when bottle hit the ground flames engulfed my body
Burning every once of life and freedom I had with an urgency
I realized that helping the criminals for my own freedom was hurting me
I didn't die a hero and no one would remember my life or earnest feats
To think the only part left was being in a hell for eternity

[Iron Mike]

Writer 2's verse made more sense to me. First of all, the guy standing on top of the car looks like he's wearing a hoodie and the other rioters look like they're wearing regular street clothes. They do NOT look like people who just broke out of Riker's Island. Writer 2's verse totally placed me in the picture whereas Writer 3 made references to things not included like looking out of an apartment window and tv static that I didn't relate to while looking at the image. The perspective of the image doesn't look like one of someone who's looking out from an apartment window. It looks street level. Writer 3's flow was more irregular whereas Writer 2's flow was more regular (evenly timed, similar syllable count). It's not a necessity, but it's just my personal preference when reading verses written in rhyme. My vote goes to Writer 2.

[Black Book]

Writer 2: I liked your piece. The rhyming and flow were spot on and the story really progressed well. The depth to your story was also nice. And the twist of you being the dog was very dope.

Writer 3: You also had a good piece and you took a creative route with it. Very original. The rhyming and flow were more basic than your opponent but they were still solid.

Overall: I feel like one just had a better and more enjoyable piece.

MY VOTE GOES TO: Writer 2

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 2, this would have been AWESOME, had Agonize not done the exact same "Protagonist is a dog" concept earlier in the competition :D. None the less, I loved the imagery, I loved the rhyming and how you were able to bring what I thought was the 'original phrase', and then in the next line you rhymed it with something equally as relevant. You were flawless in that aspect. Two downsides to me, was whatever was going on with that reference to scrabble. That came completely out of nowhere for me and was not connected in any way. I completely forgot the twist for a second there, and the following was what I was going to write: The other was that the dying person was referenced as your partner. I got that clear image and my head and the thought process was already accepted, but then you switched it around and it became a lifelong friend...I LOVE when stuff like that happens. I pick out a flaw, only to find out that my question gets completely answered and the cracks get paved over. I really enjoys this piece man, and it will be hard to beat.

Writer 3, I don't know what it is, but something about the story just wasn't convincing for me. The protagonist is in his house, sees a riot progress outside, fears for his life...so joins and begins slaughtering innocent people? There would be some MAJOR issues with him then and we didn't even really touch on his mental mind state. I'm also not really a fan of protagonists dying at the end. It's second behind "And then I woke up" for me. The rhyming was good throughout with no real issues. I flowed completely well throughout, and you had some small good examples of imagery.

Overall, this is an easy decision to me. One was just another level and took every category.

Writer 2 GMV

---------- Post added at 04:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:17 PM ----------

Writer 2 WINS 3-0

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 3 = The Law

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Bump for formatting.