Letsbeef Topical Magazine: Issue #3

[Hubert Cumberdale]

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So to start, sorry for the HUGE delay in getting this up. I’ve been really busy this week and it was a struggle to get on at times. Finally I’ve decided to buckle down and fire this out, so if you don’t appreciate it, I will castrate you with a rusty raccoon. This week was pretty solid. 4 no shows was pretty harsh, but we managed to get some good contests out and brought through some heavy writers for the quarter finals. I feel we are still doing very well in terms of voting, so I want to thank everyone for pitching in and helping us move through the tournament without too many delays (the delays that aren’t my fault at least).


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The Law
Law once again takes the top spot with some in depth voting and a good take on things. He has managed to offer good feedback, while pointing out the positives and negatives of each verse. He usually goes to great depths to explain why he voted the way he did, and it’s been noticed enough to win him a second straight voter of the week award. Emcee item is on it’s way.


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Writer 3

Digital Love

This is no heart-warming story, it’s pitiful stuff
The tale of my fall into Digital Love
Aged 13, fresh faced, feeling awkward and daft
My girl saw the small size of my Pork Sword and laughed
I ran to my bedroom, embarrassed, forlorn
And found my safe refuge in internet porn
My young teen eyes boggled at motions of flesh
At perma-tanned asses all lotioned and fresh
One hand on my dick and one hand on my mouse
I shot my first load, as he shot in her mouth.
The next day, again, and again and some more
Eventually every girl seemed like a whore
Technology merged with my dark adolescence
The cum soaked my keyboard, no stark evanescence.
For seven long years, not a human hand touched me
Addicted to porn like a man with a crutch, see
The thing that supported me, made me feel worse
I saw visions of loneliness, sexual curse.
Then up popped a pop-up that solved all my dreams
A scenario thought of and planned up it seems
By an all-seeing eye who answered my prayers
A robotic woman to fuck without cares.
It’s programmed to grind when you give ‘On’ a nudge
Literally technically unable to judge
Won’t cry or be needy or beg for caresses
Just switch off when finished, a few button presses.
But here, ten years later, with her in my bed
Electrical shocks scar my penis’s head
I’m in need of an upgrade, I need a new patch
To download some life to that cyber-dry snatch.
In winter the nodes and the wires in her belly freeze
Hate the sight of her red and green nipples-slash- LEDs
I can’t buy her no apps, that costs more than my Love affords
Thinking ‘Is it incest to jerk on your own Motherboards?’
Think back seventeen years, my first sight of that skin
The pulsating peach writhing, smelling of sin
I see my morbid reflection in her dead metal eye
Enter the Pass for her pussy, and let out a sigh.




Vs



Writer 14 - Enfinite



"God > Man > Machine > God"

"Genesis"

When life started, things were simple and pure,
No disease, no famine, no whimpers, or hurt.
God was almighty, before sinners were birthed,
But he was betrayed by three little words.
"Eat the Apple"

"Exodus"

The Apple was bitten, the world would swirl and thrust,
God's heart hurt to pump, he was hurt by love,
The atmosphere roared, animals struggled to run,
Man I had no idea, God shed a tear, the world would flood.

"Birth of Democracy"

Over the years God watched Man, full of knowledge,
Even ways to enhance our mind through schools and college,
Kingdoms became Nations, Rulers allotted,
By the people, for the people, grand laws in,
Old rules abolished.

"The Telephone"
Inventions were spouting, some passed, other straight up failed,
But the most noticeable of the era was the phone,
By Alexander Graham Bell.
This was the start of a Godless time,
God took in a breath and muttered "Man has fell".

"1970's, The Computer Boom"
Technology was booming, church was dying,
Computers popped up, so was the hurt, the crying,
We were up in the skies with our creations,
But oh so ignorant, and blinded....

"2000's, Absence of God"
People ask where God has been, honest confusion,
But the problem is they didn't pray when asking,
They were on their computers....
God is refusing to stop the pollution,
He gave us free will, we chose and forgot what the truth is....

"Exodus II"
Robots and artificial life will come,
Replacing spouses and replacing God,
Virtual worlds replacing houses, faking loss,
The world outside cry's and weeps,
God also cry's and weeps,
Because he knows history goes full circle and often repeats.
He stares down on a once beautiful creation,
And before he ends the very thing he loves most,
He looks over, and acknowledges he's losing to satan.
"You've proven me wrong Lucifer, man has not changed"
Satan responds,
"They are in love with MY world, your dream have lost their way"
God stepped back, and let the world burn to ashes,
We blame God but, it was our words that acted,
And showed our stirless actions.
But we should of saw the coming with all our knowledge,
But the world dies, and we fall to darkness.....

[Hubert Cumberdale]

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Writer 2

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Shipwrecked

A barren wasteland, walking miles in the grey sand
Seeking aimlessly, no claims to be a great plan
My heart heaves heavily, holes from where she was
Can't move past the past, still tied in like a fetus
It's been years, ten years, and then fears have turned to now strengths
Made mistakes before but see clearly like when clouds break
A vessel of faultless figure, a model of beauty
Easily worth tenfold the most marvelous ruby
I reminisce, our adventures transcended joy
But under rough storms my future plans had been destroyed
I was her captain, but what happened was beyond control
A sinking crash course, couldn't change to fit an evolving role
While memories we often hold are likely flighty
Not Assice - The name is engraved upon my psyche tightly
Screaming find me! So I search against opposing odds
Hoping on that my opportunity won't be gone

The sunset creeps, sinking beneath the horizon
Leaving me frightened at a time that needs to be brightened
Retracing my steps with just enough faith to recheck
My last resort, where tragedy poured, the place of the wreck
Terra formed since then, torn into an ugly vacuum
Oozing a smell that reminds of a musty bathroom
Hideous, what I really miss from that far fate is our place
Where I could rest my head atop her center and star gaze
I climb the dusty plane, traversing gritty waste
And see atop the ridge the outline of her pretty face

Staring, I've been watching this woman for a while now
Actualization of acquisition has brought my smile down
She's rugged, aged, only a shell upon close inspection
Her eye's surmise a person trapped in a ghosts' reflection
There's nothing left between us, time has cut away
And even if we spoke I wouldn't know what to say
I turn around, no longer is my stomach churning now
Contented, the fiery flesh in my chest is burning down
Maybe in the next life I'll find fortune with my ex wife
But my last voyage on that ship sailed long ago, decks wiped


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Rhet is probably most known for his major upset win over UNKNOWN ARTIST in the text tournament and his rise to the top alongside his flagship crew, DPS. But what most people take for granted is his topical skills, which were highlighted by his 2011 win of the Letsbeef Topical Tournament.
With fluid rhyming, Rhet supported himself to become one of the first writers on Letsbeef to use a “higher level” of vocab. His use of different and well thought out wording gained him a good fan base, and out of nowhere he became an unexpected challenger for the topical title.
For some reason, it would seem that he was allowed to skip some rounds. It was the dumbass that replaced me as topical mod, so you can’t expect any different, but any controversy surrounding the win should be well washed away upon reading some of the best of Rhetorik’s work.
He hasn’t really returned to topicals since the win, but I’m sure we would all like to see him step back in there and prove that he can win the big topical championship without anyone questioning it.


Achievements
2011 Topical Champion

Notable Works
Said the Crow to the Sparrow (http://www.letsbeef.com/cypher_details.php?section=tb&id=60735)
Theory of Elevation (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/showpost.php?p=703246&postcount=6)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

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joseph, baby, sit down. i have to tell you something serious
but it’s very good news. you see i missed my monthly period
we’re blessed with a child. a joyous bundle but such a burden
that’s great news love but tell me..AREN'T YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?
you cheating bitch! how could you do this? i fucking loved you
i’m killing you and the motherfucker who up and stuck you
calm down Joe, it’s not like that. i had a divine visitation
god in all his glory came down with a sublime invitation
first i was very hesitant but gradually he sucked me into it
jehovah knocked you up? girl, do i look fucking ignorant?
i was patient when you said we’d do it when the setting’s right
i didn’t flip when you wouldn’t let me hit it on our wedding night
let’s get it right. when it’s time to romance me you say it can’t be
but if our lord and creator feels randy, it’s off with the panties?
you can’t see this is a blessing? the first deity-mortal connection
the god i loved screwed my wife. please excuse the moral objection
don’t be sarcastic. the chance to raise the son of god’s fantastic
stop lying, you daft bitch. whoever did this is getting their ass kicked
can’t you get passed this? our child will signal a new beginning
a savior walking among men, healing the sick, removing sinning
an angel told me in nine months time, we should go to bethlehem
what? another dude up in my house! damn hoe, you slept with him?
nevermind. don’t want to know... fuck you and the rest of them
you need your head cracked with a lead bat, but i’d be arrested then
so i’m leaving without incidence and i’m keeping my mouth shut
i’m going walking and when i return you best be out the house, slut...

hurt and betrayed, Joseph wandered all night in disbelief
wondering how virtuous Mary could be all right with this deceit
to rest his feet, he settled down in a bar to drown his sorrows
wondering if he can forgive her when he returns to town tomorrow
he loves her but wouldn’t mind seeing her suffer and ending her life
the bartender, sensing his pain, tries to offer some friendly advice...

i don’t mean to butt in …but isn’t it too early to be here ‘rum’ing
don’t you see me bumming. no lectures, man, just keep em coming
i had a run in with my wife. she had an affair and now she’s carrying
my family and friends all told me to beware, she’s not worth marrying
i treated her well and remained faithful… i never yelled in abuse
said God impregnated her. ever considered she’s telling the truth
she’s young and confused. this situation’s not making sense to her
bet its them dudes always bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh
to her, i’m a lowly carpenter. never figured her for a gold digger
she was using me til she found someone whose money roll’s bigger
good riddance. listen, i think you should offer your forgiveness
Mary’s never lied to you and been supportive of your business
it’s not that simple. hold up.. how do you know my wife’s name?
let’s just say i’m an observer helping you all play life’s game
you’re a good man. in these times of darkness you chose the light *
raising a righteous son is when a good father shows his might
suppose you’re right. what could i teach this kid? nada. nothing
discipline? he’d be like “you ain’t my father. you God or something?”
just give him loving. teach him honor, respect and understanding
teach him compassion. Give him your time and patience undemanding
take him to manhood with wholesome ethics to make the best decisions
he’ll use the tools you taught him when he leaves on his destined mission
god wishing you be the father, proves to you he’s highly confident
you’ll instill the faith and work ethic needed for his rise to prominence
you’ll be instrumental in protection from those who wish to maim the fetus
you’ll be a great father. picked a name yet? yeah, i’ll name him Jesus...

Written by Howard Winter


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I don’t want to call you guys losers, but if you had won your matches it could have been avoided.

Here are the names that were defeated in Round 2 of the Anonymous Topical Tournament.

Writer 21 (1st) / Writer 1 (2nd) – EXECUTE (Previously defeated Black Book)
Writer 19 (1st) / Writer 15 (2nd) – GrizzEAT* (Previously defeated Punk) (Battle of Round 1 Winner)
Writer 1 (1st) / Writer 14 (2nd) – Enfinite
Writer 30 (1st) / Writer 4 (2nd) – HVK
Writer 18 (1st) / Writer 5 (2nd) – IV* (Previously defeated Eye G)
Writer 12 (1st) / Writer 11 (2nd) – Agonize (Previously defeated Phenomonon)
Writer 17 (1st) / Writer 7 (2nd) – Anarchist* (Previously defeated Explizzitt)
Writer 4 (1st) / Writer 10 (2nd) – Iron Mike*
Writer 29 (1st) / Writer 8 (2nd) – UhMAZING (Previously defeated Dysfunctional)

*Lost Round 2 by No Show

[Hubert Cumberdale]

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Writer 12

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SYMBOLIC COMPARISION: JEWISH BURIAL PRACTICES TO THE LEVANTINE REGION.
Shalom my brother. May we go in peace together. Please remember.
What a builder builds will not last. What grave digger builds will last forever.
We who are gathered here look at the grave and stand beside it,
We walk towards the open grave and throw handfuls of dirt inside it.
We cry for the death of it. Black clothing and garments,
We cry when she changed from our Sarah into a Babylon harlot.
Tear at these clothes and wipe the dirt on our faces,
Many people of different places brought together in this oasis.
But it is dead, the oasis withered and now is desert,
Blood poisoned the soil and our connection was severed.
The ancient spiritual connection was lost,
It is dead and what’s left of the body is destined to rot.
We sit on the floor brought low by our collective grief,
Mourning both for our dead and for our dead beliefs.
We see death as the crossing between distress and peace,
You see Levant as the crossing between the West and East.
But it is more. From life to afterlife inside this paradise,
Some call it martyrdom others call it sacrifice.
The strongest action is to give everything away,
Each and every candle flame can only burn for just one day.
Then it is gone. The fire’s out what’s done is done,
When we are dead we cannot see what we have become.
To assist the spirit we recite these sacred lines,
Smoke lingers like a memory, but even it must fade with time.
Decaying minds, who can remember all the history of this land?
The only ones who can tell us are the rocks, the wind and the sand.
No scripture or man can give a true description, nor can tradition,
All these things are built by minds which die and cannot be written.
There is no solution in this description, we let our thoughts progress,
There is no solution for Levant, there is no solution for death.


The Law: Overall I felt the piece was okay. I will be honest, you did not drag me in as the reader. I had to actually read it twice to make sure I understood everything, but it still was not interesting to me. It was more or less like I was listening to a lecture rather than reading a topical piece. Aside from that, some of the things you touched up on were good. The flow was good for the most part also, I did think at times it wasn't so smooth though. The vocab usage was okay. It wasn't the best, but wasn't the worst. I thought at times you were either being too simple, or using the same words when other words could have took it's place just as good or better. It's hard to write the feedback on this verse exactly how I want it. I think the main thing that hurt you on this was the approach taking and because of that came along with the issues that are presented.

--------------------------------------------

Writer 2

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Shipwrecked

A barren wasteland, walking miles in the grey sand
Seeking aimlessly, no claims to be a great plan
My heart heaves heavily, holes from where she was
Can't move past the past, still tied in like a fetus
It's been years, ten years, and then fears have turned to now strengths
Made mistakes before but see clearly like when clouds break
A vessel of faultless figure, a model of beauty
Easily worth tenfold the most marvelous ruby
I reminisce, our adventures transcended joy
But under rough storms my future plans had been destroyed
I was her captain, but what happened was beyond control
A sinking crash course, couldn't change to fit an evolving role
While memories we often hold are likely flighty
Not Assice - The name is engraved upon my psyche tightly
Screaming find me! So I search against opposing odds
Hoping on that my opportunity won't be gone

The sunset creeps, sinking beneath the horizon
Leaving me frightened at a time that needs to be brightened
Retracing my steps with just enough faith to recheck
My last resort, where tragedy poured, the place of the wreck
Terra formed since then, torn into an ugly vacuum
Oozing a smell that reminds of a musty bathroom
Hideous, what I really miss from that far fate is our place
Where I could rest my head atop her center and star gaze
I climb the dusty plane, traversing gritty waste
And see atop the ridge the outline of her pretty face

Staring, I've been watching this woman for a while now
Actualization of acquisition has brought my smile down
She's rugged, aged, only a shell upon close inspection
Her eye's surmise a person trapped in a ghosts' reflection
There's nothing left between us, time has cut away
And even if we spoke I wouldn't know what to say
I turn around, no longer is my stomach churning now
Contented, the fiery flesh in my chest is burning down
Maybe in the next life I'll find fortune with my ex wife
But my last voyage on that ship sailed long ago, decks wiped



The Law: The overall metaphor of this verse from the shipwreck to the ex-wife was dope. I thought the build up of it all the way to the end and then revealing it was your ex-wife was nice also. Vocab and flow were on point. I did, however, think some of the figurative language (metaphors, similie's) lacked substance and originality. Not that they didn't work or weren't written smoothly, I just thought they were lacking something. An example would be the "Made mistakes before but see clearly like when clouds break". It's probably just me but I thought a better similie could have been used. It was a solid verse none the less and a very enjoyable read. My favorite bar of the whole verse was "She's rugged, aged, only a shell upon close inspection. Her eye's surmise a person trapped in a ghosts' reflection" Touched up on nice vocab, flow, the descriptive image and word usage was outstanding, not only in that line but in many parts of your verse also. It's sad to see this one go with a no show because this is definitely one of the better verses I have read in this tourney.


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With Agonize

EtH
Agonize

Hello
oh, hey.
"Oh, Hey". Have you recently been working as a store owner in an episode of Pawn Shop?
I am actually Chum Lee
Ah but of course. So it's writer by day, guy who makes light of being morbidly obese by night?
Something like that. Off camera I dont take my disease so lightheartedly. Because my heart is actually very heavy.
Which translates into being an emotional writer?
I suppose, yeah. You want a reader to feel some emotion in a topical. If you don't write with some of your own emotion the piece will feel flat.
We got serious a lot quicker than I was expecting. On that topic, what 'style' of writer do you feel that you are?
I've never really tried to classify my style. I guess kind of home grown. Were all kind of an amalgamation of our influences. So I'm a little bit Weird Al a little bit Will Smith.
Yeah I really got a Weird Al crossed with Will Smith vibe to your work. What do you feel is your strongest aspect of writing?
I think I have a lot of good ideas and can convey a story in interesting ways, however, I often don't take the time to properly flesh those ideas out. Which is my weakest aspect of my writing, organization and time management.
So you think you could be one of the best if you focused a little bit more and didn't procrastinate?
I don't know about one of the best. That's a bit convoluted. Maybe THE best. Probably the best ever. No, I don't know. I think it would definitely improve my writing but I'm a procrastinator by nature. I can't help it, I think it activates some dopamine receptors or something. I'm addicted.
I'm addicted to procrastinating too. My friend got me a psychologist to get rid of it, but I'll see him later. Overall, what is your favourite thing about topical battling?
My favorite thing is the deviation from the standard battle. Battling is like, who can be the more creative dickhead. I don't have to be mean in a topical and it opens a lot more avenues to try something creative and different.
Mean people are the worst. How do you feel about being put out in the 2nd round of the Anonymous Topical Tournament? What positives and negatives do you take from the experience?
in short, i fucked up. I put it off and rushed it. It wasn't finished but I had to submit. Good job to the winners and the rest of the participants. Lots of cool stuff going on in the tourney.
Will be you be entering the Topical Grand Championship later in the year?
I imagine I will. I try to get into as many tournaments as I can. They are more stimulating than the regular league battles. And we all know how I like to be stimulated.
I would stimulate the shit out of you. Well, thanks for the interview and all that stuff. Anything you'd like to say as we depart?
Hillary, 2016!
Thank you.

[Jam Jar]

Good read Eth - you're putting in work. Interesting to see the emotional depths of Agonize in the interview - deeply revealing stuff.

[RULE]

I don’t want to call you guys losers, but if you had won your matches it could have been avoided.

lmaoooooooo

nice read as always.

[The Law]

Great read Eth. Propz to all the hard work your putting in this.
Writer 2 & 3 propz also. Those were really great pieces that you guys dropped.
Shame on the no showers lmao IV Iron Mike Anarchist GRizzEAT (lol what happened)
Had some laughs with the agonize interview also.

[Sp0ken]

fucking dope read brother

[Hubert Cumberdale]

HaRizon, next one should be up tonight.

[Wigsplit]

Lol Eth always hits you with the random interview, u never know it's coming.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Same with sexual intercourse^

[Boss-MC]

interview was cool, on my iPhone the blue and red writing made it stand out in 3d!!!lol very impressed if that was on purpose lol

[Sp0ken]

Ya'll should vote on me Vs. black book it's open for votes in the topical forum

[Hubert Cumberdale]

HaRizon, and you should vote on the two that are out :D. Actually I've to do it today myself so...yeah :D