ATT ROUND 2: Writer 6 Vs Writer 11 - (Writer 6 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6 Vs Writer 11

This topical is part of the Anonymous Topical Tournament

Rules
There is just one topic this week; the picture.
Verses are due Saturday, June 29th.
Verses are to be sent to EtH (www.letsbeef.com/eth) via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 30-40 lines long.
In voting, 3-0 is a KO, otherwise, it is first to 5.

Picture
http://the-sacred-path.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/the-siren.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6

http://the-sacred-path.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/the-siren.jpg

Priest Jordan
My love is deeper than the ocean’s depths, above all this commotion & stress
Your potion is sweeter like your focused breath, above all this hopeless mess
You’re my chosen teacher to feed my emotions zest, but it’s atrocious at best
I’m an outspoken preacher & my omens a test, but I want your opened breast

I can’t keep Hopin to keep her devotion, I’m obsessed! You’re my hostess & pet
I always notice you sweat when you’re closest to my chest, were devoted to sex
Others noted my regrets; I’m starting to feel broken till death, I’m a robe less threat
Were homeless, and in debt, plus were both frozen, upset by our demoted steps

Princess Meradeth
Jordan, it’s hard to hope when the essence of my desire scorns and blesses
Your presence alone has me torn like dresses; and I’ll forever adore its message
I’ll adhere to your sworn confessions; my love even admires your forlorn lessons
I have a newborn & it depresses, our empire calls me a whore & an adolescent

We sleep on floors as peasants, and shower at the oceans shore under heaven
I can’t take anymore I’m breathless, I’m barely coping, I see more regression
I have more questions, I keep holdin on wanting to deplete this wars progression
I’m sore from not eatin breakfast; we are eroding & need not to ignore its sentence

Priest Jordan
Meradeth, Our boys a blessing but at a steep price, plus you’re my niece & wife
I know you seem destroyed, I’m stressing at all this deep strife, let’s just keep wise
Your music is my joy during this regressive life; I bet you always will be my type
Meradeth, your my soul, my toy, I’m too aggressive, I tried to be your Priest & guy

Now I realize I’ll never be your dream or Mr. Right, I guess we better see its plight
I believe it’s time for me to die & relieve your life, don’t protest because I’ll be alright
I’ll swim deep in my own belief that I will never hold you abreast & squeeze at night
Soon I’ll drift away as peace takes ahold of you; finally rest has now seen your eyes

Princess Meradeth
Jordan my heart, this is tearing me apart, I see my surroundings & waves crashing
Don’t leave our son in the dark, fatherless & stark, all my days I now hate, everlasting
Your departure will make it hard, but my bounty will now be forever erased & amassing
It’s goodbye for now, swim far & honor its passing as your breath is chased & gasping

Priest Jordan
I will forever be disgraced by the church, never embraced by Gods words or ever saved
That is why I will not misplace your worth, never to replace your earth or severed place

Epilogue
Meradeth lived a long life, remarried and established a new family within her empire
She & son received the gift of life and now they live with her Majesty, her new sire


The END




Vs



Writer 11



http://the-sacred-path.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/the-siren.jpg

Beep. Beep. Beep.

And it droned on monotonous
when you live on 18 wheels in monster trucks
the honking and the constant fuss can quickly turn preposterous
and if Paul wasn't vigilant enough
his mind became a victim of
the fickle tug of wanderlust

Beep. Beep. Beep....


Sitting there in traffic, his imagination busy
The panic of commuters in their suits were fading swiftly
The pavements radiating heat became the sea
Paul was now the Captain of a schooner lazily drifting
The ocean spray and open air had caused a hazy misting
and a strange bird called out to him
Beep. Beep. Beep.

Just then the captains ship was dashed to bits
It was the reef I think he'd hit
A crash legit and being passionate the way a captain is
He stayed aboard the ship to sink with it
He said his last respects began to take the hand of death
closed his eyes and took a breath one last attempt to fight and stall
and that was when he heard the sirens call

Beep. Beep. Beep.
He tried to answer with a halted tongue
But water filled his salted lungs
Beep. Beep. Beep.


Shelly got the call at work
"there's been an accident and Pauls been hurt"
He's at St. Jude and I know it aint great news, for all its worth
He looks peaceful, like he finally got to feel the Baltic surf
And for a second he came to, and seemed he tried to call to her

Shelly arrived at pauls bed at a bad time
as he fought to hold on to his last light
She barely said one last "I love you to death"
Before his heart monitor flatlined

Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

[The Law]

Writer 6: I liked the approach you brought of each person speaking back and forth to one another. I enjoyed the deep conversation you brought also and it flowed well. If there was anytime were the vocab usage could have been too much, this is definitely it. I felt because of your vocab usage it took away from the emotion and intensity of actually picturing the two people saying each piece to each other. Just think about, who really talks like that, especially since this isn't a modern picture. It'd be a conversation between two people from the past, so you should make your verse put your readers in their time, and their shoes. Try to create a dialogue from their point of view, with the way they would actually talk. The way it was written made me feel like it was some very upscaled twilight conversation between bella and edward. With the approach that you brought, would have been the time to dumb it down a bit, and focus on the emotion and make the readers feel exactly what they are going through.

Writer 11: The piece written as a story was decent. I would have liked a bit more build up and imagery around the situation that was taking place. You kinda just went right into and left somethings open. The twist that you brought was nice, however, it has to be executed much better, but props for attempting it. It's very hard to take that type of approach and make the piece work together. The flow was good. As relating to the picture, it did and it didn't. I see were you brought a bit of the imagery from the picture into his mind and what your character was imaging, however, that doesn't really follow a topic from the picture itself. With all that being said, the imagery that you brought using the picture could have been much much better.

Overall: Both had their good points and their down points in this battle. I give both recognition for their drops. After the first read, I do feel like I have my vote already. Both brought different approaches to the table, and both had their flaws from using these approaches. I do think one executed their approach a bit better here.

My vote: Writer 6

[HVK]

WOW TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT APPROACHES TO THIS......

WRITER 6 WOZ VERY CREATIVE I LIKED THA CONVERSATIONAL APPROACH, DID FEEL A BIT STRETCHED AND LONG WINDED AT TIMES BUT VERY LYRICAL AT OTHER TIMES....

WRITER 11 HAD A DECENT STORY I DIDNT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WOZ GOIM ON AT FIRST BUT THEN IT ALL UNFOLDED IN FRONT OF ME, FELT LIKE A LIL JOURNEY lol. I DID LIKE YOUR APPROACH WIT IT BEING LINKED TO SOMEONE DYIN....

ALL IN ALL I ENJOYED WRITER 11 MORE BUT MY VOTE GOES TO WRITER 6 AS I FELT HE OR SHE WOZ MORE LYRICAL WIT THEIR CONTENT AND MORE CONSISTANT THROUGHOUT...... IF WRITER 11 USED HIS CREATIVE IDEAS BETTER HE OR SHE COULD HAVE TAKEN THIS.....

vote = writer 6

[Fidel Z]

Writer 6 i liked your rhyme scheme, and your way of painting the picture also your use of imagery was cool.

Writer 11 was also good, but i didnt like the rhyme scheme like tht

winner: writer 6.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 6 WINS 3-0

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 11: Agonize

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Bump for formatting.

[RULE]

added

6 tbc