ATT ROUND 2: Writer 4 Vs Writer 13 - (Writer 13 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 4 Vs Writer 13

This topical is part of the Anonymous Topical Tournament

Rules
There is just one topic this week; the picture.
Verses are due Saturday, June 29th.
Verses are to be sent to EtH (www.letsbeef.com/eth) via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 30-40 lines long.
In voting, 3-0 is a KO, otherwise, it is first to 5.

Picture
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/suicide-jump-girl-3.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 4

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/suicide-jump-girl-3.jpg

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

From outside Su Wong hears the screams "call the police! SHES GONNA JUMP!!!!", the words ring in her ears now shes BREATHING AN SOME. she grabs the KEYS FROM THA RUNG! heads to tha roof, unlocks the door, then screams "Im here in PEACE CAN I COME?", "go away in gonna jump!" says a whimpering voice, Su approaches "are you hungry? do you NEED SOME FOOD?" shes thinking please dont
BE YOUNG TOO! she looks at the frightened girls face in disbelief its
her NIECE CHUNG WU! "go away auntie Su before tha poLICE
COME TOO" she jumps! But a security light delays her fall now her
KNEES STUNG TOO! The halt in the fall gives Su an opportunity
watch her SEIZE IT TOO she grabs for chung wu as the crowd are
SCREAMING....SU!!!!!! she fights frantically with her neice hanging
off the side of the building who hopes to be SLEEPING SOON but the security light now attacks chungs buttock now shes BLEEDING TOO with blood SEEPING THROUGH! Su asks without SEEMING RUDE "why
jump child?" Chung screams back "He cheated! what would you do if
YOUR MALE WAS LATE AN SHIT? then you saw them together! but instead of hunting the WHORE DOWN TO BREAK HER TITS I came
to the STORE NOW TO TAKE A SHIFT but I cant take it Su! Im 25 an
already had FOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS! I cant help but THINK THE
WORLD JUST HATES ME!" "We love you" Su replies, now Chi Pang and Woo Fuck arrive on the scene to help BRING THE GIRL TO SAFETY!..... Freeze frame.



Vs



Writer 13



http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/suicide-jump-girl-3.jpg

I was just walking on the street, on my break from work
go to the best place and get a crepe immersed
in grapes and spurts of chocolate; my fave dessert
and how good it is? I cant even explain the words.
I look at the place head to toe, the drool stained my shirt
and as I look up, on top of the place I see an Asian twerp,
(I call kids twerps cause I hate him, they make me curse)
she was standing on the ledge like a craven bird
about to jump.. her head could hit the pavement first!
I held my heart like I was grippin a pistol.
I barged in, stormed up the stairs with sweat drippin’ a little
opened the door lightly as I listened to sniffles
poked out my head and she was standing there, stiff as a fiddle
said “don’t jump.” She turned around looking pissed with a sizzle
but as I took a step forward, she had given a drizzle
from her eyes. With each step, tears were droppin’ faster.
“Whatever you have feelings of sorrow or thoughts of anger,
believe me, suicide is not the answer.”
she looked at me and her sobs were anchored.
I examined her and she was wearing a cross wit glamor
with the name Amber.“I’m sure you believe that God’s the master
and you feel like he aint solved ya matter,
but he gives advice to those who palm the dagger
or in your case, jump off a building and just fall and splatter
can I show you a scripture in Proverbs chapter
18 and verse 1?” she was noddin’ after.
“One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longin’, Amber
against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” “Have a talk with pastors
or set up a date with your mom and chatter,
seek out someone you trust, the ones who give you lots of laughter
and before you know it, issues will look like trodden crackers.”
She smiled at that simile like she saw the death of her enemy.
I looked at my watch and it was 10 to 3,
shit I didn’t even get to eat…
“I hope I put your thoughts of death asleep,
don’t feel unloved cause we will always have love heavenly.”
I gave her my iphone, “the battery percentage is seventy
so when you think you are about to think sensibly
give someone a call who you think would be the remedy”
I rubbed her back a bit and then I fled the scene.
took me 10 minutes to get back to my office, breathing heavily.
the closed blinds made my office look dim enough
so as I went to open them up , I saw the pic above. ^^^

[The Law]

Writer 4: First things first, before I even read your verse, I can tell that is no where near within the line requirements. By your structure, I am guessing you are way to use to the "letsbeef box" writing style and haven't done many topicals, if at all. Myself, I really don't care that it's structured like that, I am not going to take that into account for my vote. But I will say that majority of the readers will look at that and doubt your verse, and/or not even want to really read just by the way it looks. You want it to look, the way you want it to sound for the readers. Make it neat and presentable! Clean that shit up. The approach you brought to your verse was very predictable. They could have been doing many things up on the roof top. I thought the suicide approach, as well as, the way it was written was very simplistic. The flow was on point, but just about in every other area the verse was par and to be expected. You with me?.. This was just your regular old verse that any of the members on the site could have wrote. You need to bring something with out of the box thinking. You need to bring something different. Bring something that will make your verse standout from your opponent's verse.

Writer 13: Again, I'm going to say the same thing I said to your opponent. The suicide approach was wayyy to predictable. Bring something different. We all don't want to read the same story with different words. Overall your vocab and ending rhyme scheme could have been a bit better. The fiddle/sizzle/drizzle use as the ending rhyme scheme, although it flows, it doesn't really go into the smooth read category. I think your vocab usage could have been used a bit better to up the intensity and imagery of your verse. I did, however, like that you wrote the verse in way, that you weren't even involved with the scene that was going on with the picture. It was more of an outsider stand point and I liked that. I just wish you both would have used a different theme other than suicide.

Overall: I feel writer 13 should get the vote either way because writer 4 did not follow the required number of lines. With that put aside, being that both writer took the same type of approach, I felt that writer 13 did a better job of writing the story here. This may just be due to the fact that one has a bit more experience in topicals than the other, I dont know. But for whomever, makes it to the later rounds, definitely take all the critique and use it because the rounds will only get tougher. goodluck.

My Vote: Writer 13

[Aggo]

Writer 4
The verse kind of stood out as a weirdly racist, discombobulated, story. Not sure about the name Woo Fuck, but any credibility your verse may have had, was gone at that point. Definitely felt like rhymes were being hella forced (hunting the whore down to break her tits?). Overall just was not feeling this peice from the jump.

Writer 13
Rhyme and flow were pretty good, felt a few rhymes seemed forced but nothing staggering. Story was pretty good, had a little twist, but not too surprising. Im not sure how I feel about the ending about seeing the picture, part of me felt it was clever, part felt it was a little hack. Either way, brought enough to win this round.

Winner #13

[KING POSEIDON]

Imo writer 13 brought more to the table here.

Winner writer 13.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 13 WINS 3-0

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 4: HVK

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Bump for formatting.

[RULE]

added

13 tbc