ATT ROUND 2: Writer 1 Vs Writer 16 - (Writer 16 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 1 Vs Writer 16

This topical is part of the Anonymous Topical Tournament

Rules
There is just one topic this week; the picture.
Verses are due Saturday, June 29th.
Verses are to be sent to EtH (www.letsbeef.com/eth) via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 30-40 lines long.
In voting, 3-0 is a KO, otherwise, it is first to 5.

Picture
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Hrv_enmwYh8/TjdWiBxZe9I/AAAAAAAAAeY/bZwvYQDIZ_Y/s1600/storm-of-sadness.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 1

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Hrv_enmwYh8/TjdWiBxZe9I/AAAAAAAAAeY/bZwvYQDIZ_Y/s1600/storm-of-sadness.jpg

Stalking her for a few days he wanted to beat that faker /
Take the knife to her throat amd make her meet her maker /
Three day later,Jim grasped his stiletto and went out /
His mind made up, thunder rolled as he studied the ground /
Saw her walk down the bus w/ a vanity purse and a big red gown /
Followed her like a snake in a jungle, steadied for sounds /
Saw her go out of reach,so he reached and steadied the round /
He hated that bitch for what she'd done to his pounds /
How he ended from being a rich englishman to a clown /
He finally walked up to her, knife held out /
He slashed as she turned, watched her white neck sprout /
A look of hatred for her spouse,as her face revealed in the thunder/
As she died, she had her cellphone concealed in her under /
She dialled 911 and called the number /
The sirens rang as he escaped,searching for cover /
Jumped over a low wall knocking a pot w/ a flower /
Jim realized this was how he was meant to suffer /
He thought back how he killed her /
how he had brought her veins to a cutter /
And tore his hair off in guilt over that fucker /
As the thunder rolled and rain started to patter /
He walked back oblivious that he was the one police were after /
Jim walked up to the patrol out for the search /
He whipped out his glock,aimed,fired and cursed /
As they saw him they shot,sprayed, Jim felt his veins burst /
As he lay in the blood,thinking of Marie's words /
'We can't separate,ever'had made him pick the club and beat her /
But as he reached the gates of heaven in a steamer /
He made up his mind and braced himself to meet her /
But the gates never opened and he was cast out as a leper /





Vs



Writer 16



http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Hrv_enmwYh8/TjdWiBxZe9I/AAAAAAAAAeY/bZwvYQDIZ_Y/s1600/storm-of-sadness.jpg

The distant thunder was a haunting whisper
Bright fractures flickered, battling the night.
A threatening chill and a daunting mist were
Creeping slowly in, foreshadowing the plight.
The air was a dark, drab, and dank aura in
Spinning vendettas of a quarreling breeze.
A fiery firmament -maelstrom's origin-
Performing accelerando in chorusing trees.


I was beginning to feel a burning despair.
At this moment I considered turning to prayer.
Instead, I turned to the tools I had at hand
And built a mighty wall fit for a man's last stand.
A thick skin, like that which defends an elephant.
A barrier to block all of heaven's elements.
I decided the position I had kept was enough,
But I hadn't foreseen the true threat from above.


The skies had become paroxysmal, abhorrent.
A whirlwind's deep vortex of clamoring storms.
Drowning now in something abysmal, a torrent,
Putting shame to the power in the hammer of Thor.
Beyond hurricane force, the maximum blusters
Were like warriors bent on a stark battle rage.
Mustering up tons and amassing in clusters
Through gregarious spans of a dark cavalcade.


My heart transpersed from despair to sheer panicking
This storm was too vast to thwart, I feared tragedy
Would the beasts in the clouds recuse my escape?
Rob me of the strentgh to choose my own fate?
I started to lose faith in my new, depleted self.
The wall wouldn't stand, I knew I needed help.
I had been king my whole life, my enemies' worst slayer,
But the sky was too dark, so I said my first prayer.

[Black Book]

Writer 1
This piece was just full of mediocrity. Nothing in it was bad, but nothing in it was good. It was all just decent and average. The story line was predictable, making it sort of boring to read. And you messed up that last rhyme. Leper is lep-er, not leep-er. My advice is just to be more original. That's all you need. Keep the reader interested.

Writer 16
The first section was full of good imagery and vocab. The second section was where a bit of a story started to progress. I was expecting the third section to really put the story into perspective, let me see where this was going, but it didn't. It was just more vocabulary and imagery. The vocabulary and imagery in this piece has been great so far, but I am still waiting for the story line. The fourth section didn't make much of a story but it brought meaning to the piece, which at least made all the imagery and vocab worth something. The last line made the piece complete. I just suggest working on story progression in your next topical.

My Vote: Writer 16

[Aggo]

Writer 1

The story wasn't really grabbing me. Your flow was ok for the most part but the rhymes were not working, the end threw me especially. Beat her/steamer/meet her/leper. To end the whole verse with that slant rhyme really obscured the flow of the whole thing. Overall, an average verse.

Writer 16
Stuck with a consistent rhyme scheme throughout which helped the overall flow and direction of the piece. The story was different and i liked the man v. nature/man v. self elements that you brought with it. I read it twice and it got better with my second read. Used a lot of good vocabulary here but at times I felt the overt complexity weighed down the message a little bit. Overall a nice piece.

Winner #16

[The Law]

Writer 1: your approach to the picture was pretty simplisitc.. Simplistic storyline, rhymes and vocab. The whole drop didn't reach anything past average in any area. I thought you could have done a much better job with imagery and painting the picture as the actions occured and his thought about the things that went on. The flow was choppy in some spots too.. Keep elevating though.. Stay up..

Writer 16: The concept from the begining to the end was cool. Vocab and flow were outstanding. Because of the vocab you used the verse was very descriptive as to what was going on. I enjoyed it from start to finish and I thought you had a pretty decent end to the drop..

Vote: Writer 16

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 16 WINS 3-0

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 1: EXECUTE
Writer 16: Dirty Work

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Bump for formatting.

[RULE]

added