The Black Book vs. ViTRiOL

[Black Book]

Topical Battle

The Black Book vs. ViTRiOL

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Line Limit: 60 Lines or Less
Voting: Anyone Can Vote, but They Must Explain Their Vote. First to 4 Votes Wins, or 3-0 KO Win.
Deadline: Just Post Relatively Soon.

Good Luck!
ViTRiOL

[Black Book]

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Chapter I: A Beautiful Unknown
A vendor on the corner exclaimed, "Look what I have! A small local business has put up an ad!"
"Do you have a past of struggling to be an honest man, but you still want to make it to the Promise Land?"
"If so, well, you should go ahead and get on this plan!"
"Travel to a land of ecstasy, right next to a crystal clear, blessed sea!"
"Where oppression is something you never see, and the masses move in serenity; not a hectic sea!"
I was tired of my life; I had been through the bad, and I could take it no longer, so I bought into the ad.


Chapter II: Into The Unknown
So I left my old life behind and departed down the paths.
It was Heavenly; the ground was grass, and the air was engulfed in the sound of laughs.
My Eldorado - my Eden - it had been found at last!
The path was filled with the masses, headed to a common destination.
They wore pure bliss on their faces like it was the best occasion.
For it was; they were escaping the world that had grown so hot in an attempt of preservation; it truly was humanity's estivation.
But it only lasted to a certain degree...
People dropped hurt in the glee, blaming it on dirt & disease.
I prayed God wouldn't close the curtain on me.
Time passes and the masses thin, and as it happens, the path gets dim.
The joy flees the air, letting the sadness in, and letting the madness win.
I dream I've taken the path and am at its end... But the chance of that is slim.


Chapter III: Knowing The Unknown
I have seen the path take the populations and as it obliterates, it let's all of them know how the litter taste.
From a dark, cold hole, a critter wakes.
I trudge along on a path that is falling apart.
My legs start to give out, causing the crawling to start.
I spend most of my time delusional, stalling the dark.
But the cold is rushing over me; I'm falling into a colder sleep.
With my body falling to pieces, I rest my back against an older tree.
I gaze up and notice a road sign with words that take my breath away.
With each sentence, I feel more confident that I will meet death today.
For the first line says: "White Caine Street", then the next line has me about to screech.
For it says: "Happiness - Millions of Miles Away aka Well Out of Reach!"

[ViTRiOL]

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The valley was vast.

Urizen found himself here, with little recollection of anything in his past, staring out at an immense white void. Standing in the middle of a valley, he gulped and it bulged his thyroid.

The matrix wind created the vaguest hymn. Amidst the silence, he nodded. A solemn veneer as an orb appeared. Taking in the incandescent beams of light that poured from this sphere, a roar to his ears, and with an electrical hiss, a thunderbolt fizzed into the mossy rock. Simmering with energy, there stood an office block. He showed no fear in his eyes as it materialised. It solidified with the softest... 'pop!'

With a groggy gait, a figure walked out. It sported a modest top, on it were stains, tac and a nondescript nametag. Drab brown trousers. A coffee: Hot. Urizen recognised the man as his manager. He slouched as he addressed him but Urizen didn't change character.

"Good morning Urizen. Are you ready for your personal development review? This year, we will start again anew. Put a new suit on. What to improve on. We only want the best for you."

It was similar to a limerick. Except, awfully out of time. Like a mediocre lyricist, he repeated this:

"Good morninn' Eyurizen. Arre you rready forr yourr perrsonal development rreview? This yearr, we will starrt again anew. Put a new syuit on. What to imprrove on. We only want the best forr you."

Now he was slurring his words. It became further absurd: As this aggrevated stressed fit aggressively manifested, he developed the nastiest of cleft lips... and his words turned to dirt.

"...ggooAOOod marni... rryoo rreAAd foOar purrsAOOOnul revooo?! ... thAOs yor, wOol ssssto aGAOon aNo ... nO soo ... ot tOO pRAOOve on ...EE oAnle ONT teh bAEs fO oo...."

His jaw started to drip. Eroding to sludge. The entirety of his lips, throat and his tongue melted into an ocean of gunk. Urizen stepped back. Mouth open and stunned. He turned on his heel and broke into a motionless run. He was stuck.

In the evolution of the muck and mire from his manager's jaw. At first, just shapeless lumps. But wider, Urizen turned to see the parameters soar. A humongous empire. Every company. Selling trucks and tyres, drug suppliers: Dubbed pharmacies. A conscious sea of bodies, businessmen, bachelors, broads. Skyscrapers topped with a hundred spires. Planes dragging fluttering flyers. All of the shoppers passive in awe. Urizen stood in horror. They had become nothing but buyers, packing the stores. Brainless, without moral fibre. Urizen became entwined in the traffic and clawed, screaming for mercy, but he couldn't make the surface. He'd have to make a purchase. He fell to the ground with a shuddering form. He stared at his legs, they were crumbling. What were they crumbling for? For this bastardised economy, funded by war? He cursed the universe, conventional reason and law, for they had forsaken him: But his tongue was ignored. He diminished. Decayed. Disintegrated.

It was a sunny Monday morning on Wall Street, New York.

[Dono]

No wonder you assholes don't have any votes.

This shit is ridiculous.

I'll be back.

[Dono]

BB - Well organized. Easy to follow. Your story better be a giant metaphor about taking drugs. Assuming such is true, you had a few lines that really confused the shit out of me.

"People dropped hurt in the glee, blaming it on dirt & disease."
"From a dark, cold hole, a critter wakes."

In the future, if you're doing something like this, just try to make it totally clear in the reader's mind. Fuck the rhyme in the ass if you have to. I want perfect coherency so I don't have to say.....hmm was it about this? There was also a few places where wording sounded a bit forced. The underlying story wasn't particularly unique but the execution was powerful and creative, and that's all that really matters because it was easy to follow.

All in all though I felt like it really resonated with me pretty strongly, nice work. You've elevated quite a bit since I last read through.

Vitty: Your non conventional rhyme scheming was actually a really nice change of pace. It still flowed nicely. Imagery was really strong, I could envision the whole thing. The organization was nice and coherent. I think you could have really expanded the economics thing, especially since it's a topic people don't hit on too often.

I felt, however that you got stuck between a dream-like sequence and a metaphorical sequence so that I couldn't exactly tell which interpretation we were supposed to take. For me, that took away from the piece slightly. I feel like the ending could have been put together in a way that would have given it quite a bit more impact.

Strong opening for your first topical piece ever.

[-Dru-]

Imagery from both was good. Black books flow was nice. I liked the different style of flow from vitty and your vocab was very good. I felt overall black books had a little more impact.

I don't see the need to write a huge piece for a topical. Just because it's a big line allocation I feel some times people get caught up trying to use it all by being over descriptive as if they're some kind of philosophical master scripter. Neither of you seemed to do that which made it an easier read.

Do I just put my vote in a post here or is there somewhere else?

Tag me in a reply in this thread to let me know and I'll come back and drop my vote.

[Black Book]

-Dru-. Just state who your vote is for.

[-Dru-]

Black book - overall more polished and had a bigger impact

[Dono]

Vote to black book for what I feel was the stronger concept. And whatever else I said like 2 months ago.

[RULE]

added

tbm