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UnEtHıCaL
04-13-2012, 09:46 PM
The Story of Detective Brian Noble

Joseph Beale Residence, Westlake OH, 1.54pm, 10/14/11.
Approaching their home, there’s a decline in the housing on this side of the mountain,
A large forest is sighted around them as I cruise through in my Morris Minor 1000,
These days it just isn’t as strong, rocks crackle under its feet as it hisses along,
Joseph Beale is outside; he whistles a song, enjoying himself as he’s splitting some logs,
Unlike most of the fathers after, he isn’t possessing a type of death in his eyes,
I’m finding it weird since the last time I was here is when Jessica died,
He asks for a cigarette but seems upset when I give him a menthol,
“So why did you call me” “It’s about what I found over next to the deadfall”,
He puts down his hatchet and starts walking through the hollow woods, I follow suit,
He doesn’t seem to care as much since the interviews when it was on the news,
After her death he kind of went back to his life, it’s like her father is dead,
When we approach the scene, I flash back to the image of the axe in her head,
Thick blood oozed through, her flesh feasted on by a demon spawn,
Joseph looks beneath some logs and pulls out from under one; a piece of cloth,
A silk handkerchief, when they investigated the scene it was hidden from placement,
On one side, embroidered with gold thread it said the initials of JN,
He handed it over, “I want all the evidence down so there is no mistake”
I put it in my bag, got back in my truck and then I drove away.

Boris Jones Residence, North Olmsted OH, 3.22pm, 04/11/12.
I knew from the sight of the orchids that his wife was a florist,
Once again I sneak up to a house, which in turn hides in the forest,
Out comes Boris, the alcoholic abusive stepfather of Lacy,
He might have dodged the warrants, but I’m surprised that he’ll actually face me,
When her mother died, Boris hit her hard and inflicted scars,
I’m angry as fuck, asking my mom; Janet above why he was never charged,
He staggers over with a nervous twitch; I know he’s scared of me,
Like little Jessica, Lacy was raped too, but she was left there for weeks,
“Mr. Jones, I thought you were relieved that you were now done with us?”
He handed me a cigarette butt, it was white tipped and all crumpled up,
“I was out in the woods and found that in a bush by the scene at morning,
Now get the fuck off my lawn so I can watch Wheel of Fortune!”

Detective Brian Noble's Home, Cleveland OH, 11.03pm, 04/11/12
I stand in my office, staring face to face with an open fire,
I’d turn in this evidence, but it conflicts with my own desires,
An ominous glow engulfs me and surrounds the scene,
I throw in the handkerchief, that my mother handed down to me,
When the Morris Minor gave out and broke down on a forest path,
The memories came jogging back as a young girl came jogging past,
Everything changed, I had finally started indulging my hurt mind,
I still see her innocent face, it was a flustering first time,
It was the flash backs that got me, I didn’t target her,
She lay beaten and bruised, I saw the axe by a house not far from us,
I gaze in the flames of hell, hoping to see where the mental image ends,
And toss in the discarded remains of my menthol cigarette,
This one was different, this time it was proper to me,
From seeing her cry to watching her sleep, I stalked her for weeks,
On the route to her house, I stood silently still, I waited in hope,
She was late coming home, my cravings would grow, I put a flame to my smoke,
She arrived, I dropped it under a tree, I pace towards, she starts running from me,
I snatched her up, did the deed, slashed her gut, then she was covered with leaves
As I stare in the hearth, we’re not so different and I can say it was true,
Because like them, my childhood died when I was raped in the woods.

V3numb
04-13-2012, 10:02 PM
it was a nice read.. not into topicals much but yours is better than most on LB.. glad to have you back kiddo.. troller or not

lllllllllllll
04-13-2012, 11:15 PM
Dope story. Like always, when i start, i finish so yea, read it all and the ending was unexpected but fits the story perfect. The Imagery was weird tbh for some reason I pictured parts of the story in the country side of a town. Vocabulary was decent and it flowed very well. Overall, 8/10 Good piece here.

Fuck UnEtH :D

UnEtHıCaL
04-14-2012, 12:20 PM
Still gotta rewrite it but thanks for the feed, I pictured it in a country town too, so imagery seems spot on lmao. Yeah my image was like a small town with houses in the forrests outside it kind of thing. Appreciate it.

Black Book
04-14-2012, 01:04 PM
Good piece here EtH. 2nd stanza was a bit hard to follow because I wasn't sure what character you were suppose to be talking as? I don't know, confused me a bit. And yeah the imagery was good here. I'd give it an 8/10 as well. We should topical battle some time soon.

Knowbodhi
05-29-2012, 02:59 PM
Woah, this was intense. Gonna start with what I _didn't_ like so the lasting impression is what was great about it. I felt the rhymes were weak in the first two verses, but then the multis got nice in the last one. I'm not gonna judge flow cause it's written, though I'd like to actually hear this. The Wheel of Fortune line was slightly amusing, but to me, REALLY cheesy. Finally, I would like a little more coherence. Like Black-Book said it does get a bit difficult to follow and it could benefit from having an easier to understand progression. That said though, the story is incredibly detailed. Far beyond just about anything I've seen on here before. And the entire concept of the story is very well thought out and excecuted. Last verse was definitely the strongest and the last pair of lines were phenomenal. Great surprise ending. Polish this up, man. It deserves to be an actual song.