Are there any serious writers on the site?

[BLNK]

Like, short stories, novels, novellas, etc? Or have any of you done any journalism, or article writing? If so, could you guys give me some feedback on this? I'm starting on a short 10 page story, that I want to eventually turn into a novel. So, here is what I have so far.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? And this hasn't killed me yet, that I know of that is. I mean, one would know if they were dead, wouldn't they? There would be signs. A flash of light, where I can't decide if I've accidentally killed my grandparents as the dmt floods my brain, because hallucinogenics were never really for me. Or there would have been a "Welcome to Hell, population 99 billion people." sign, because that's how much of the human population has already died off. Or I would be floating in some blank white space, like a dot in the center of a wordpad document, waiting for my eternity to be decided for me by some overly idealized figure of omnipotence, who has no face, or body, and will only speak to me through the shape of a small duck wearing a plaid tuxedo. So, I must not be dead. Though, I've been told that if I don't take "God" more seriously he might smite me by throwing lightning bolts into my shower while he jerks off to, not me, or the countless number of other people he can also watch showering, but to the mere idea that he can watch those people showering at all. It's sickening, isn't it? It makes your stomach turn, sharp turns, too. The type of turns you take on an S curve, going 95 in a little red sports car that you got during your midlife crisis, right before you hit the guard rail, and flip 8 times, killing you, and your teenage son who was in the car with you. That kind of sickening. Try not to vomit when you've seen a man being twisted inside of a giant piece of metal, as it crushes his bones, causing them to angle in a way that you should only see in an abstract painting while his skin is torn off, and sliced by the tiny shards of glass, and screeching metal as the car collides with the rail, rolling them into a giant expanding snowball of suffering, and pieces of organs... Until finally he's ripped in two at the waist, with his guts flying across the small wooded area where the car has finally landed for the wolves to pick at once the police, and emts have finished scraping up what little they had it in them to bare themselves. I nearly followed suit trying not to let my lunch decide that I needed a second course. Adding my own vomit to that picture would make me subject to be a part of some fetish porn video that you find on the internet while you're searching for 1 guy, 1 jar to email to all of your friends while you're sitting at your daily 9 to 5 office job bored out of your mind. And for what? All to see their reaction about the video the next time you bring it up to them in person? While laughing at their descriptions of the deeply rooted, horrible, cold, sweat soaked nightmares seeing that jar break made them have for several days after?

Again, I would like some serious feedback about this.

Verity
RULE
Askari
Just C
Pronto_Banks
Gurp Da God
Prose_
Ad Hominem
Jason
Itz Killz
God-Himself

[KingBankstou]

man i tried to read this. at first i thought it was gonna be good but it got weird as fuck.

[RhetoriK]

My critique isn't on the content. You need to get the fundementals (run on sentences, etc) dialed in. Like I've been saying it's real introspect, its hard to really 'judge' writing with that undertone. It's definatley edgy. i could imagine this as a Kevin Spacey dioaloge beginning/ending a movie.

[BLNK]

What do you mean by weird as fuck?

[KingBankstou]

the way you worded some shit came off
weird as fuck. lost its meaning

[Krhyme Killz]

Gotta agree with Rhet.
Plus its difficult to cram that kind of material in such a short amount of words.

Some dialogue would move things along as well

[Barz©]

I have wrote numerous short stories. I also am a strong believer in structure. Don't sleep on transitions and linking statements. Fuck i get turned on when i think of it it's almost like another form punchlines,multis and internals, when you get into that essay structure format. Damn.

---------- Post added at 05:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:42 AM ----------

I didn't bother reading it, you didn't even indent your paragraph. What is this society coming to?

[BLNK]

I'll be adding Dialogue, Krhyme, as well as other characters. Lol.

[IV]

Post it in the writers block as well as here. And let me set up a topical battle for you somebody

Agree with rhet, also, don't try and be too articulate if that makes sense?

[BLNK]

Verity, I don't really like topicals. When I write material like this, or serious material, i don't like to be restricted by rhyme schemes.

Actually, Verity, let me in on a topical battle.

[BLNK]

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? And this hasn't killed me yet, that I know of that is. I mean, one would know if they were dead, wouldn't they? There would be signs. A flash of light, where I can't decide if I've accidentally killed my grandparents as the dmt floods my brain, because hallucinogenics were never really for me. Or there would have been a "Welcome to Hell, population 99 billion people." sign, because that's how much of the human population has already died off. Or I would be floating in some blank white space, like a dot in the center of a wordpad document, waiting for my eternity to be decided for me by some overly idealized figure of omnipotence, who has no face, or body, and will only speak to me through the shape of a small duck wearing a plaid tuxedo. So, I must not be dead. Though, I've been told that if I don't take "God" more seriously he might smite me by throwing lightning bolts into my shower while he jerks off to, not me, or the countless number of other people he can also watch showering, but to the mere idea that he can watch those people showering at all. It's sickening, isn't it? It makes your stomach turn, sharp turns, too. The type of turns you take on an S curve, going 95 in a little red sports car that you got during your midlife crisis, right before you hit the guard rail, and flip 8 times, killing you, and your teenage son who was in the car with you. That kind of sickening. Try not to vomit when you've seen a man being twisted inside of a giant piece of metal, as it crushes his bones, causing them to angle in a way that you should only see in an abstract painting while his skin is torn off, and sliced by the tiny shards of glass, and screeching metal as the car collides with the rail. Rolling them into a giant expanding snowball of suffering, and pieces of organs... Until finally he's ripped into two at the waist, with his guts flying across the small wooded area where the car has finally landed for the wolves to pick at once the police, and emts have finished scraping up what little they had it in them to bare themselves. And I nearly followed suit, trying not to let my lunch decide that I needed a second course. Adding my own vomit to that picture would make me subject to be a part of some fetish porn video that you find on the internet while you're searching for 1 guy, 1 jar to email to all of your friends while you're sitting at your daily 9 to 5 office job bored out of your mind. And for what? All to see their reaction about the video the next time you bring it up to them in person? While laughing at their descriptions of the deeply rooted, horrible, cold, sweat soaked nightmares seeing that jar break made them have for several days after? "FUCK!!" I wonder if I was having a screaming contest with the squealing of my breaks as my tires skid across the road. I don't remember which was harder to pull myself away from. Whether it was the trance like stare at the teenage passenger who had been thrown from the car, his body folding over him to the point that his lower back could touch the back of his skull, his face nearly gone from sliding across the pavement. Leaving nothing behind him but some 15 year old girl that he asked to his winter formal, at which he decided to take advantage of her after spiking her punch throughout the night. That, a trail of blood, and chunks of skin ripped from his left cheek. Or if it was my suffocating grip on the steering wheel in front of me, grasping it as if it were my grip on reality, or the concept of death to somehow cope with what I had just seen unfold. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." It was all I could say as I tore my hands away from the wheel, trembling as I shoved my right hand into my pocket. It felt like hours before the tips of my fingers reached my cell phone.

[Student]

It Is Supposed To Rhyme?

[Ticket]

Stop writing. Take some English courses.. get someone to edit the shit that you produce... the grammar and sentence structure is ass...

(i read about 4 lines in)

---------- Post added at 01:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:40 AM ----------

Stop writing. Take some English courses.. get someone to edit the shit that you produce... the grammar and sentence structure is ass...

(i read about 4 lines in)

[BLNK]

Student. No. Does it? :S

Ticket, that's not helpful at all. Lol.

[KingBankstou]

Brian the bachelor - YouTube

[BLNK]

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? And this hasn't killed me yet, that I know of that is. I mean, one would know if they were dead, wouldn't they? There would be signs. A flash of light, where I can't decide if I've accidentally killed my grandparents as the dmt floods my brain, because hallucinogenics were never really for me. Or there would have been a "Welcome to Hell, population 99 billion people." sign, because that's how much of the human population has already died off. Or I would be floating in some blank white space, like a dot in the center of a wordpad document, waiting for my eternity to be decided for me by some overly idealized figure of omnipotence, who has no face, or body, and will only speak to me through the shape of a small duck wearing a plaid tuxedo.

So, I must not be dead. Though, I've been told that if I don't take "God" more seriously he might smite me by throwing lightning bolts into my shower while he jerks off to, not me, or the countless number of other people he can also watch showering, but to the mere idea that he can watch those people showering at all. It's sickening, isn't it? It makes your stomach turn, sharp turns, too. The type of turns you take on an S curve, going 95 in a little red sports car that you got during your midlife crisis, right before you hit the guard rail, and flip 8 times, killing you, and your teenage son who was in the car with you. That kind of sickening.

Try not to vomit when you've seen a man being twisted inside of a giant piece of metal, as it crushes his bones, causing them to angle in a way that you should only see in an abstract painting while his skin is torn off, and sliced by the tiny shards of glass, and screeching metal as the car collides with the rail. Rolling them into a giant expanding snowball of suffering, and pieces of organs, until finally he's ripped into two at the waist, with his guts flying across the small wooded area where the car has finally landed. For the wolves to pick at once the police, and emts have finished scraping up what little they had it in them to bare themselves. And I nearly followed suit, trying not to let my lunch decide that I needed a second course.

Adding my own vomit to that picture would make me subject to be a part of some fetish porn video that you find on the internet while you're searching for 1 guy, 1 jar to email to all of your friends while you're sitting at your daily 9 to 5 office job bored out of your mind. And for what? All to see their reaction about the video the next time you bring it up to them in person? While laughing at their descriptions of the deeply rooted, horrible, cold, sweat soaked nightmares seeing that jar break made them have for several days after?

"FUCK!!" I wonder if I was having a screaming contest with the squealing of my breaks as my tires skid across the road. I don't remember which was harder to pull myself away from, either. Whether it was the trance like stare at the teenage passenger who had been thrown from the car, his body folding over him to the point that his lower back could touch the back of his skull. His face nearly gone from sliding across the pavement. Leaving nothing behind him but some 15 year old girl that he asked to his winter formal, at which he decided to take advantage of her after spiking her punch throughout the night. That, a trail of blood, and chunks of skin ripped from his left cheek. Or if it was my suffocating grip on the steering wheel in front of me, grasping it as if it were my grip on reality, or the concept of death to somehow cope with what I had just seen unfold.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." It was all I could say, tearing my hands away from the wheel, trembling as I shoved my right hand into my pocket. It felt like hours before the tips of my fingers reached my cell phone. It hadn't been this hard to remember three numbers since the grease fire I watched burn down my father's kitchen when I was 7 years old, and it was up to me to call the fire department. I of course panicked, and froze before running outside. "9,1,1." As if saying them aloud will stop my thumb from shaking violently while I dial the numbers.

[FreezyCT]

keep going...i can look past the gramatical errors/sentence structure

[Lizman]

The First Paragraph Is Bullshit
Every Other One Thereafter Is Better
Also, Try To Make The Switch Between 3rd Person And 1st Person More Clear. We Dont Want To Hear You Talking About You WeeWees Just After You Asked Us How We Would Feel, Seeing Someone Die. Your Grammar Is Disgusting. The 4th Paragraph Is Too Condescing And High And Mighty. Make It Seem More Like You Are Just Discovering Smtn That The Reader Knew Along Time Ago, Not The Other Way Around. Also The Description In The 2nd Paragtraph Needs Alot Of Work. Don't Just Jump Into The Action From The Beginning But Rather Start Slowly And Once You Get Into It Do That Non Stop Slaughter Thingy Without Actually Using Any Fullstops (Rather Alot Of Commas, etc)
Basically, You Need To Completely Rewrite It

[Louie Dawgs]

I do not write fiction. I have done a little writing for articles and shit.

It's already been touched that there are gramatical errors and whatnot.

I have a different problem. It's not that original.

I couldn't get past the opening, TBH.

Too generic.

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? And this hasn't killed me yet, that I know of that is. I mean, one would know if they were dead, wouldn't they?"

...yaaawwwnnn......

you have to word it more originally. More excitingly. Too undirected.

Just start by having a more intresting antecdote at the start. It's too generic and bored me off the bat.