Intricate Skillz vs Unyqe

[IV]

Intricate Skillz (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=879213) vs Unyqe (http://www.letsbeef.com/forums/member.php?u=882540)

House rules apply. Any questions, contact me.

Check in are due Saturday (18.02.12) at 11.59PM EST
Verses are due Monday (20.02.12) at 11.59PM EST

Line length; 20-60 lines
3-0 K.O or first to 5 votes

http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i449/VeeSWEngland/welcomehome.jpg

Voting Rubix
Rhyming Scheme/Flow
Vocabulary
Topic/Meaning
Storytelling/Progression
Emotion
Imagery
Poetic Techniques
Ending

[ozark]

Check mate- gl unyqe- great pic verity

[B U R D E N]

this should be dope

[Letum]

Ckeck in Check - Good luck to you too Skillz- lets make it a good one

[ozark]

Yesss sirrr, imma start on this one, bein as famine didnt check in to the other...

[Letum]

aiight imma post tonight

[IV]

Okay. Don't make this a waste of time.

[ozark]

2-WAY JOURNEY:

Sept.23, Its mail day, just a week left in tha war zone,
Tryna find the words to express thanx, for yalls support in a card home,
See, its hard to concentrate, with gun fire an nukes blowin,
These tear drops letcha know, i cant wait to hold my son higher, wit truth showin,
Dont ever take for granted your tranquil life, cuz This damn place is chaos,*
After you spend a year in hell, life becomes a cell, wit lines markin the days off,
Thinkin bout all my brothers past, in smothered blasts, im heartin the braves lost,
I kneel in prayer, infront the fallen soldiers wit graves crossed.
But enough with the tales,To my wife, i send my deepest love,
Without u by my side, i'm the weakest clutz,
I'll turn this world to shambles, searchin for your sweetest touch,
To my son, just know that daddy misses an loves you,
And i cant wait to get home, to kiss and hug you.
I have to go now, they just sounded the horn,
I'll be home on the 1st, my plane should be grounded at dawn.

BACK HOME:

Aug.1st-I wake up, and i'm so glad its the first,
I call mommy, and find my number 1 dad shirt,
Everythings a rush, mom, can we leave, lord please,
Honey! we will, as soon as i find the car keys,
We turn off the block, and wait for a red light,*
Its almost dawn mom, soon u wont need your head lights,
Almost there, but traffic is jammed pack,
Hurry up people, im gettin late, im ready to see my damn dad,
I can almost see the runway, as the crowds flock,
Now the planes touching down, the tires squeel with a loud shock,*
They open the doors, as soldiers start raceing out,*
We make our way to the front, i can feel my heart racing now,
I know as soon as he steps out, i'll hurry n chase him,
But the last man comes down, and a boy and girl run to embrace him,
Mom, wheres dad, is he not coming home,*
Then the back of the plane opens, maybe theres hope,
I see men in uniform, walkin slowly towards me,*
Tears form, is that him, now the tears turn to pouring,
I cant breathe, as a flag draped coffin exits the plane,*
Theres a picture of my dad on the casket, with a letter next to the frame-

---------- Post added at 10:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 PM ----------

I had to re write the whole thing, its not wat i had exactly, same concept- i accidently cut my verse when i tried to copy it lol- GL unyqe

[Letum]

A man on strange soil laces military boots, the same boots he wore the day before when he had to kill a couple troops.. The two warriors lifes are easily taken, but the life of thier family makes it tough to lace those boots when he's really shaken.. His enemy's death is easily put to rest. but the family of those men has him shook more than he'd really guessed.. After visions of livin his whole life with this on his brain, he gathers one duffle bag and gets on a plane.. He was a gangster before the war but had never seen so much rounds, his thoughts imprisoned him with a feeling that the plane would never touch down.. He wipes his eyes as the pain escapes from the peep's that hes killed, hes gonna loose it quick but just then it's the screech of the wheels.. He was home but still had the thoughts of the lifes of women and children that had fallen with his gun at a farm, but he knows he would do it all over as soon as his son's in his arms..

---------- Post added at 12:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:15 AM ----------

yeah sorry for takin so long- been crazy- good luck to you as well Skillz

[IV]

Just checking in to let you know I have read this, I've taken some notes down and got some feedback for you both. Right now I'm in bed on my phone as I'm sick. Hopefully I'll be able to leave proper feedback tomorrow. Good job!

[ozark]

I give up on topicals!!!

[IV]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow - Skillz - Nice scheme and flow throughout, quite the generic topical rhyme scheme but worked very well with the tone of the piece. Unyce your scheme was okay but your structure made it really hard to follow.

Vocabulary - Skillz - Niether went that hard with vocab, in fact one of my pieces of advice would be to up your vocab game on both parts but skillz took it here.

Topic/Meaning - Skillz - I liked your whole approach. You both took it very much and face value but it fitted the topic. I don't think you tried that hard Unyqe but overall your meaning was fine. Skillz you killed it, good fucking job.

Storytelling/Progression - Skillz - you got this cat hands down, nearly got it mastered, your whole storytelling capability is dope, now you've got that i suggest you build upon it with out-of-the-box concepts and a wider range of vocab. Impressed.

Emotion - Skillz - Both were fairly emotional, but Skillz i honestly got really involved in your verse and felt the emotion in it. It was really sad, I kind of knew what was coming but I got quite wrapped up in it that I was hoping the end wouldn't be the way it was lol.

Imagery - Skillz - Due to your story telling approach, imagery here was clearer than Unyqes. The end I could picture very well in my head.

Poetic Techniques - Skillz - Both quite basic, but Skillz got it here. Techniques went perfect with the verse.

Ending - Skillz - I knew it would be a sad ending, sort of predictable but in a good way and you executed the idea perfectly. Unyqe your verse was too short for the ending to have any impact.

Overal MVGT - Intricate Skillz - I loved your whole verse, like I said previously you've mastered the storytelling technique. My advice to you is up your vocab game, and i'll give you some topics that allow you to think outside the box a bit more. From start to finish I was captivated in your piece, I felt the emotion and empathised with the characters you created. Unyqe; I don't think you tried at all, but well done for not no-showing. I know you're better than this and more effort would go down well, you have the fundamentals you need to now build upon that. Skillz, you're a big thread in the up-coming tournaments. Good job.

[ozark]

Thank you V- im not quittin topicals- i was just actin like a crybaby for attention- i see it worked!!! ;)

[Catharsis]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow: Skills ... Not the craziest approach to a flow, but stayed clean.

Vocabulary: Skills... Both could have used more of a vocab approach, but Skills had the edge.

Topic/Meaning: Skills... Straightforward interpretation of the pic, but definitely not bad.

Storytelling/Progression: Skills... I think you need to go out of the box a little more, but you got this hands down.

Emotion: Closest category, but Skills again. Both seemed to go light with the emotion IMO.

Imagery: Skills painted more pictures for me...

Poetic Techniques: Skills, V called it, both could use more technique to the poetry side of it.

Ending: Definitely Skills.... you did your thing.

Overall: Skills. You could be a beast if you upped the personal content and emotion. Unyqe, work on a tighter structure.

[Fiji Osa]

First Off ... Being That I Am In The Military Both Members In THis Battle Failed To Actually Catch The Picture And Tell a Story From The Picture .. I Was Highly Disappointed In Both Verses And Becasue Of This Ima Give a Huge Breakdown As To Why ..

Skillz:

2-WAY JOURNEY:

Sept.23, Its mail day, just a week left in tha war zone,
Tryna find the words to express thanx, for yalls support in a card home,
(If There Is a Week Left .. Mail Usaually Takes Weeks To Get There And If He Was To Send a Card Home He Get Back To His Family Before The Card Reach Them - Fake Concept)
See, its hard to concentrate, with gun fire an nukes blowin,
These tear drops letcha know, i cant wait to hold my son higher, wit truth showin,
(STOP - If "Nukes Were Blowing" He Wouldnt Be Writing To Them He'd Be Dead Also LookAt The Picture His Son Is Almost Bigger Than Him So How He Going To Pick Him Up - Horrible Imagery)
Dont ever take for granted your tranquil life, cuz This damn place is chaos,*
After you spend a year in hell, life becomes a cell, wit lines markin the days off,
Thinkin bout all my brothers past, in smothered blasts, im heartin the braves lost,
(The Best Part Of Ya Paragrah .. Only Thing Lacking Was That You Didn't Finish The Concept Left It Open Ended)
I kneel in prayer, infront the fallen soldiers wit graves crossed.
But enough with the tales,To my wife, i send my deepest love,
Without u by my side, i'm the weakest clutz,
I'll turn this world to shambles, searchin for your sweetest touch,
(Where Is His Wife At In The Picture - It's Him And His Kids - Bad Approach)
To my son, just know that daddy misses an loves you,
And i cant wait to get home, to kiss and hug you.
(He Is Right There w/ His Son In The Picture - Didn't Like It Line Was Too Basic w/ No Imagery And a Off Concept)
I have to go now, they just sounded the horn,
I'll be home on the 1st, my plane should be grounded at dawn.
(You Can't Tell Ya Love Ones When Ya Leaving The Enemy Reads Letters Sometimes .. Also If He Was Leaving In Sept There Are 30 Days In THat Month So If It Was The 23 And He Was To Be Home On The 1st Depending On Where He Was It Was a Day Ahead Out There In The States Which Wouuld Techinally Be Putting Him Back On The 29th Not The 1st Of Oct ..Even So Your Math Was Off Cos THat Would Have Him Leaving Overseas And Be Home By The 30th Not The First)

BACK HOME:

Aug.1st-I wake up, and i'm so glad its the first,
I call mommy, and find my number 1 dad shirt,
(Weak Approach At Coming Home From The Kids Getting Ready To SeeThere Dad I Knew This Just By Reading The First Line)
Everythings a rush, mom, can we leave, lord please,
Honey! we will, as soon as i find the car keys,
(Too Basic .. Not Picture Was Created)
We turn off the block, and wait for a red light,*
Its almost dawn mom, soon u wont need your head lights,
(Weak .. Horrible Line Dude)
Almost there, but traffic is jammed pack,
Hurry up people, im gettin late, im ready to see my damn dad,
(Lost Flow And It Seems Like You Just Talking Now)
I can almost see the runway, as the crowds flock,
Now the planes touching down, the tires squeel with a loud shock,*
They open the doors, as soldiers start raceing out,*
We make our way to the front, i can feel my heart racing now,
(Actually They Will Not Let Familes Meet Us OnTHe Tarmac We Would Normally Go Back To Our Place Of Orgin/home Base .. Becasue We Are Carrying Packs .. And Weapons)
I know as soon as he steps out, i'll hurry n chase him,
But the last man comes down, and a boy and girl run to embrace him,
Mom, wheres dad, is he not coming home,*
Then the back of the plane opens, maybe theres hope,
I see men in uniform, walkin slowly towards me,*
Tears form, is that him, now the tears turn to pouring,
I cant breathe, as a flag draped coffin exits the plane,*
Theres a picture of my dad on the casket, with a letter next to the frame-
(I See Where You Were Going w/ The Ending But First Off The Family Would Have Allready Been Notified If There Dad Would Have Died In Combat .. Also The Body Would Have Not Flown w/ The Returning Troops And Even And I Mean Even If They Did They Would Have Not Pulled out The Coffin Until All The Families Would Have Left .. I Could Go Onw/ Bashing Ya Closer But I Think You Know Where I am Coming From)



Un Verse:

A man on strange soil laces military boots, the same boots he wore the day before when he had to kill a couple troops.. (The Enemy Is Not Call Troops .. They Are Reffered To Insurgents And Ya Opnere Has Shit To Do w/ The Picture)

The two warriors lifes are easily taken, but the life of thier family makes it tough to lace those boots when he's really shaken.. His enemy's death is easily put to rest. but the family of those men has him shook more than he'd really guessed.. (What Are You Getting At All I Can Gather Half-Way In Your Verse Is That He Lacing Boots And He Is Scared Cos He Has To Kill People - That Is What He Signed Up For)

After visions of livin his whole life with this on his brain, he gathers one duffle bag and gets on a plane.. He was a gangster before the war but had never seen so much rounds, his thoughts imprisoned him with a feeling that the plane would never touch down.. (Tell Me Where You See a Former Gangsta In That Picture Un .. I Am Confused Did You Even Study The Picture)

He wipes his eyes as the pain escapes from the peep's that hes killed, hes gonna loose it quick but just then it's the screech of the wheels.. He was home but still had the thoughts of the lifes of women and children that had fallen with his gun at a farm, but he knows he would do it all over as soon as his son's in his arms.. (Tha Last 5 Words In Ya Closer Was The Only Thing Pertaining To The Picture .. You Seemed Like You Didnt Even Try)



Rhyming Scheme/Flow - Skillz - ok scheme and ok flow throughout, to plain to be called a topical rhyme scheme it had it's ups and downs.

Vocabulary - Tie - Both Had About a 4th Grade Vocabulary So I Called It Even

Topic/Meaning - Skillz - Although Ya Approach Wasn't The Best It Was Better Than Un Just To Strait Fwd Need To Be Creative

Storytelling/Progression - Skillz - Only Because You Stayed More On Topic

Emotion - Skillz - The Closer Got This Cat

Imagery - Skillz - Only Cos You Had A Few Lines That Stood Out

Poetic Techniques - Tie - Both Were Too BAsic ..

Ending - Skillz - Although It Would Never Happen In Real Life It Made People Say Oh No - I Guess

Overal MVGT - Intricate Skillz - Both Verses Were Seriously Lacking But IS Knew At The Very Least What a Topical Was .. Suggestion Read More Up Ya Vocab And Look At Other Topicals FromThe Past As a Foundation

[ozark]

If u would have read my second part of the verse- the guy in my topical ha nothing to do with the guy in the picture! Hence the guy in my topical deboarded the plane in a caskett- not huggin his children like the man in the photo- and i am
Not in the military- so please forgive my unknown logic tothe topical- where as i wrk on boats- so if i had a topical against you about boats, i would be able to crucify your tarded ness towards a vessel-

---------- Post added at 11:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:28 PM ----------

And as far as read other topicals-look at my record homie!!! Just keep in mind that i was writing for 2 topicals at the same time- with a 2 day grace period!!!

[Letum]

yeah I sucked it up big time here. FAIL- some one slap me

[Dono]

Fiji Osa

I'm crashing out, so I'm not gonna write anything up, but get at me next time you see me in the chat box.

Les have a chat :chillin:

[IV]

Dono don't be a pussy, i know you're too lazy to vote but youre the #1 all time Topical battler (lol)

---------- Post added at 11:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:33 AM ----------

That said, Intricate Skillz wins after 3-0 knockout.

Records are being revamped an updated this week. Thread/

[Fiji Osa]

Dono don't be a pussy, i know you're too lazy to vote but youre the #1 all time Topical battler

^^That Is True Verity

Unyqe - You Have Potential In Topicals Cos THat SHit Is HArder Than a Regular Battle .. Plus a Text Topical is Waaaaaaaay Harder Than a Audio Topical Keep At It I Am Always Asking Dono Bout Topicals When I Was In Go.On I Always Talked To Wigsplit .. Just Open Ya Vocab And Stick To The Facts Of The Pic Also It Wouldn't Hurt To Do a Little Research On The Topic To Get Facts Right .. Just My Opinion

Intricate Skillz

If u would have read my second part of the verse- the guy in my topical ha nothing to do with the guy in the picture! Hence the guy in my topical deboarded the plane in a caskett- not huggin his children like the man in the photo- and i am
Not in the military- so please forgive my unknown logic tothe topical- where as i wrk on boats- so if i had a topical against you about boats, i would be able to crucify your tarded ness towards a vessel-

^^Serious?!?!? Nigga In What Dream World Would You Ever Son Me .. Compare Your Record To Mine .. Compare Your Skill Level To Mine .. Compare Ya LB Cred To Mine .. Comepare Your Audio Battles To Mine .. Compare Your Text Battles To Mine .. Have You Beat ANyone Creditable?? .. Could You Even See Me In a Youtube Battle .. Do You Have Any Tracks Out ..

So Like I Said In What Dream World Could You Ever Son Me ...

[Dono]

I'm gonna key up a guide on how to do this shit right, so anything I would say here is gonna be said there.

I was just gonna talk to fiji bout his feedback but I Was too tired to do it since it was 3 AM when I wrote that post.

So fuck both y'alllllllllll

[ozark]

Dawg, look atcha topical text record! Its basically non existant! So spare me
Tha hard shit faggit, get tha fuckin topical set up an stop runni ya mouth- as far as text goes! Like u just said your lb cred compared to mine! Ya fuckin name will get votes rather than ya barz! But i'll reply anyways! Send tha 16 and quit cryin like a lil bitch!

[RULE]

tbm added