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01-29-2014, 02:29 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Disco
They say "Discouragements..?" I've Never heard of him
Well I'm murderous with the pen, I got disturbing views of sin
This whirlwind I'm in got me mixing herb with gin
My rhymes are lazily written & through the haze I'm squintin
Trying to find a reason I'm deserving to repent
Mind a maze; I'm trippin. Still Lurkin in the trench
I'll find a way to kill you, bring you back, & start murkin you again
My rhyme bouts are lost in the decades of time
I've built up a mean charade that is mine
I'm weird though, a weirdo who mixes lemonade with wine
Just kidding I only said that for the sake of the rhyme
Shaking rust off. Give it time
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01-29-2014, 02:29 AM
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#1
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Basic Member
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1 Won / 1 Lost
Join Date: Nov 2012
Voted:
0 audio / 0 text
Posts: 41
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
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Disco
They say "Discouragements..?" I've Never heard of him
Well I'm murderous with the pen, I got disturbing views of sin
This whirlwind I'm in got me mixing herb with gin
My rhymes are lazily written & through the haze I'm squintin
Trying to find a reason I'm deserving to repent
Mind a maze; I'm trippin. Still Lurkin in the trench
I'll find a way to kill you, bring you back, & start murkin you again
My rhyme bouts are lost in the decades of time
I've built up a mean charade that is mine
I'm weird though, a weirdo who mixes lemonade with wine
Just kidding I only said that for the sake of the rhyme
Shaking rust off. Give it time
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01-29-2014, 03:47 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,133
Mentioned: 1428 Post(s)
Tagged: 40 Thread(s)
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63 Won / 15 Lost
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66 Won / 21 Lost
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2 Won / 0 Lost
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How I'd tweak it:
They say "Discouragements..?" I've Never heard of him
I'm murderous, servin' kids when I curve the pen
This whirlwind I'm in got me mixing up herb with gin
So now my rhymes are lazily written & through the haze I'm squintin
The fuckin' rage that's within him could make you a victim but I'm just..
Trying to find a reason I'm deserving to repent
My minds a maze; I'm Still Lurkin in the trench, searchin' for a friend but all I'm findin' is these motherfuckin' words I spit within',
I'll take a javeline to hurdle in ya skin & bring you back when you slip just to start murkin you again
Overall nice concepts, I was vibing to it. I didn't really do it much justice, but I tried lol. I would work on syllable counts the most.
Last edited by Babylon; 01-29-2014 at 03:50 AM.
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01-29-2014, 03:47 AM
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#2
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Ranked Audio Record
63 Won / 15 Lost
Ranked Text Record
66 Won / 21 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
2 Won / 0 Lost
Join Date: Jun 2012
Voted:
289
audio / 238
text
Posts: 4,133
Mentioned: 1428 Post(s)
Tagged: 40 Thread(s)
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How I'd tweak it:
They say "Discouragements..?" I've Never heard of him
I'm murderous, servin' kids when I curve the pen
This whirlwind I'm in got me mixing up herb with gin
So now my rhymes are lazily written & through the haze I'm squintin
The fuckin' rage that's within him could make you a victim but I'm just..
Trying to find a reason I'm deserving to repent
My minds a maze; I'm Still Lurkin in the trench, searchin' for a friend but all I'm findin' is these motherfuckin' words I spit within',
I'll take a javeline to hurdle in ya skin & bring you back when you slip just to start murkin you again
Overall nice concepts, I was vibing to it. I didn't really do it much justice, but I tried lol. I would work on syllable counts the most.
Last edited by Babylon; 01-29-2014 at 03:50 AM.
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01-29-2014, 11:25 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Salute man, tbh I liked your version better lmao appreciate the feed
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01-29-2014, 11:25 AM
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#3
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Salute man, tbh I liked your version better lmao appreciate the feed
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01-29-2014, 05:00 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,361
Mentioned: 573 Post(s)
Tagged: 27 Thread(s)
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74 Won / 64 Lost
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4 Won / 1 Lost
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42 Won / 35 Lost
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Punches Punches Punches Punches Punches Punches, Multi's are good for showing off...Punches win battles.
__________________
We consume all in our path, We Will devour your mind, body, and soul. We are many...
We are LEGION
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01-29-2014, 05:00 PM
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#4
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Ranked Audio Record
74 Won / 64 Lost
Exclusive Audio Record
4 Won / 1 Lost
Ranked Text Record
42 Won / 35 Lost
Join Date: Dec 2012
Voted:
418
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text
Posts: 1,361
Mentioned: 573 Post(s)
Tagged: 27 Thread(s)
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Punches Punches Punches Punches Punches Punches, Multi's are good for showing off...Punches win battles.
__________________
We consume all in our path, We Will devour your mind, body, and soul. We are many...
We are LEGION
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01-19-2015, 02:38 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 6
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This was tigght, you had some great multies and punchlines.
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01-19-2015, 02:38 PM
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#5
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Basic Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
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This was tigght, you had some great multies and punchlines.
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