Fidel Z: You had a great idea for this topic I enjoyed the suprise at the end, but like your other topicals I've read, you need to work on keeping a clear storyline. You jumped around too much, and added some lines that didn't support the story at all. I understand you were just painting a picture with things like the Asian lady and your brother being in the room, but the way it was done was quite distracting. What is the story about? Is it about the Asian lady's dedication in seeing you get better? Also you say nothing about who these "killers" are, and why this happened to you which would have been helpful. All in all i still enjoyed it, I just think you could have done so much more with this concept by sticking to one or two sentiments, and explaining things a bit more clearly.
Dysfunctional: This was a pretty good read, much better than your last topical I read. The story was a bit predictable and generic, but you did a good job of creating something emotional for the reader. I think this story could have used more development of the little girl's character and maybe some lines creating a more personal relationship between her and the doctor. Also you have some pretty glaring flow and syllable count problems in this piece, I have to point that out. Fidel had similar problems, but I noticed it more on your end. Lastly, it's not a good idea to randomly throw a sinlge A, B, A, B scheme in the middle of a straight rhyme pattern.
I thought Fidel Z had a better concept and less technical problems which puts him very close to the win, but Dysfunctional's piece was just a bit more powerful and though the story was somewhat generic it was also much easier to follow.
Vote: Dysfunctional
|