Writer 1
I was feeling the short rhyme... it was real basic and no real flex on style but you stayed consistent from start to finish thru out tbh on the whole story which in return really set a standard for it to maintain and you never let it belittle the contrast of your content and wording. just wish it had more flex on it regarding your metaphors and and multies.
Quote:
Seconds went to minutes to hours to days
Our fear moved from worried to angered to dazed
It wasn’t like Pappi to get up and leave
Then we waited so long Mutti started to grieve.
I showed pictures to strangers who withdrew in derision
Until one pointed up to a small television.
My father’s tired face shone out from the screen
As the writing said ‘Manhunt for Mohammedeen’.
The story showed deaths from a Jihadist plot
But the leader escaped – “But my father was not
Even of Muslim faith!” I angrily protested
Then suspicions were raised and I too was arrested.
I was beaten and questioned, the evidence shown
“Your father, it seems, was a man you’d not known.”
Pappi, quiet Pap, had a dark other life
We were just his Sikh cover, a son and a wife.
Mother wailed in shame that was tinged with denial
While ‘Mohammedeen’s’ brothers were sentenced to trial
“He is NOT Mohammedeen, he is NOT, it’s not true!
He is Rohinder Lall, and a Pappi to you!”
The desolation got no better
For weeks, and then I received a letter
Containing the photograph you see,
Anonymously sent to me.
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that had the most impact thru the verse cau i feel it really depicted the climax of the story told and really stayed with a intent to leave with a dissertation of such anguish and pain. stayed on topic with the picture.
Writer 4
you came with such a difference in style and overall performance. you came with nice multies from time to time and the metaphors were definitely there for sure.
Quote:
The Urkrains just walked slowly, one seems to look around to mock knowningly
Dhrakes half cocked and holding a peace openly, locked, stocked & heroically
The tame laugh, not knowing that war creeps boldy towards their shops coldly
Both gangs are trapped, the cops are patroling streets and will stop hopelessly
The exchange is mapped, both drops are supposedly to meet, it’s hot and toasty
Plans can change or collapse, squads are aproaching me but not knowing me
I’m a spy &
They don’t realize, I’m a spy from an organization ran like a corporate nation
Disguised as a guy that’s the shops subordinant asian, or unfortunate patient
I hide to elude enforcements detainment, I’m ready to incorporate operations
I’ve been tried as an ornament & assaillant, I’m trained to reinforce its relation
I seize time & dart towards their important containments & flee before invation
I survived with drugs & cash, an enormous escapment with more abatements
Than
Phang & Chans gang shot first, some Urkrains got caught and earthed properly
Urkrains came in and rampaged on any who remain hot or cursed as a mockery
Phang got shot, lamed by pure rage from Dhrake, Phang was served, shockingly
Bullets rain Chan started stocking creeps, unloaded pain to hurt G’s methodicaly
Remember game recognizes Game, so logically Police came to disburse ironically
Still they reign today, chronically killing any witness by their perversed philosphy
Who’s stopping me
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you have a knack for detail which is really great but it seemed to me like lit was a tad bit overzealous with the style you had approached with like the assertions of knowledgeable vocabulary tbeing just like as if you threw it in there for style and display... alot of grammar errors tbh that will be taken advantage when it comes down to critical voting man... cause it makes us stop reading and correcting it to actually announce the way it is said.
overall thsi was a nice battle... two completely different approaches but i have to go with is
Writer 1