[Skizzo]

Originally Posted by RULE

Dear Billy,

I thought I’d try to get ahold of you since I’m alone in this cellar
Call me a dweller, but I miss the days when we could both be together
I remember when you pulled me off the clearance rack, I was rescued from misery
As I saw six-year-old kid who screamed, “Mommy, I want that one!” and the rest? It was history
All we’d ever do was go on adventures, explorin’ for treasure
You were my whole life, my core and my center, I wanted to be your supporter forever


Firstly, I want to say I love the approach you took on this. It was sort of a Toy Story 2 esque storyline and you really formed the concept from the teddy bears perspective very well. The nostalgia feeling you portrayed in your character showed great emotion and gave depth to the concept . So from the jump, great job.


But you got older instead, started playing sports for your pleasure
And with adulthood comes pressure, you became fairly deceitful
I understand that with a stuffed bear you would feel embarrased to people
I laid under your bed, I was there for your deals, no matter how daring, illegal
I never thought pot was bad really, but damn Billy, a heroin needle?


I like how you continued to personify your character and continue the storyline with emotion using his memories, but I also feel like you could have done much more with the second half of this. I feel like you sacrificed what you were trying to portray and had going with trying to maintain a longer syllable multi. So where you exceeded in multi's, you sacrificed a lot of potential in that second half.


Every day your mom was awaitin’ a call from the station
From some cop who was sayin’ you were robbin’ a bank
Or dealin’ rock to some vagrants just to stave off the starvation
She hoped you’d rot up in jail; still a far better fate than gettin’ stomped on the pavement


This was a little better than the last, Again love how you were able to keep a consistent scheme with the longer set of multi's here, but in this section I also feel like there was a lot of potential for a more in depth look of your character and how HE feels, it kind of feels like the story's just explaining and rushing along and all of that depth to the character you started with seems to have fallen off a bit.


Anyway, I just wrote to see if you’re alive and if all’s well
Seeing as how I'll probably die in this small hell
But that’s alright, I don’t want help, I’m not lonely or scared
We just used to be so close, and now you don’t even care

Now THIS is more of what I wanted to see throughout the entirety of the verse. You shortened the multi, but you went back to personifying the actual character, what and how he feels and it gives the readers a sense of connection because of the emotion being portrayed. I really like how you did this part.


Sincerely, your old pal,
Tony the Bear

P.S.
I know you won’t get this letter, and I know you’re sick and heartless
So I’m just gonna crumple this shit up and throw it in the garbage.

*****

Again here I feel like you did amazingly well. It shows the exasperation and portrays the frustration of the character. This was a very nice addition to it and it ended it perfectly. Great job here as well.



Dear Tony,

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I saw you
I figured you got caught in a bag when my mom moved
I guess I’m wishin’ for clarity--were you given to charity, or just packed up and lost? Shoot,
I feel bad for all the crap that I’ve gone through since I dragged you along too
But you’d sure be proud of how I turned around--now I have a Master’s from law school

now THIS is a perfect example of how a topical should be written. You created a character and immediately showed a nostalgic remorse, which followed your storyline perfectly and fit the topic and also created depth to your topic. A very good start here.


See, I got off on good behavior, they let me off mid-sentence
Met the girl of my dreams, we’ve had a couple kids since then
And you’re still better than any toy that they’ve ever been friends with

I wish we could be together, hey, but nothing good ever stays
I hate all this, but I can take solace since you’re probably in a better place

This is where I was kind of thrown off a bit, at first he wonders if he got thrown in a bag or tossed away, but then goes to thinking he may be in a better place? I personally would have liked to see you follow the storyline you set in motion and gone with more of that regret that both characters were feeling, i feel like it would have fit your entire topic. Now it just makes it seem like the kid left him behind and didnt think twice here. Which would have made him writing to the bear pointless in it's entirety.

...

Fuck it, this makes me feel like a crazy writer, so I’ll take this lighter and watch this letter blaze.


This was just an ok way to end it, I feel like you ended the last bit much cleaner and better and here, it kind of feels like a lazy / rushed way to end it. I think this ending had so much potential as well and it wasn't used to it's fullest expectation.

Overall; Verse 1;

I feel like you had an amazing concept, the story was beautifully crafted and the personification of your character, while it could have been better in certain parts, was overall nicely done. I also feel like you had sacrificed a LOT of potential for your verse in trying to make and match longer syllable multis, which hurt a lot of what you were trying to portray, Lyrically it was nice, but when it comes to the overall topic you should try to sacrifice some lyricism for some more emotion and depth so that your readers can immerse themselves in your character. Pretty good verse here. On a last note, I also agree that it was a very short read in comparison, seems like you also crammed a lot of potential together and made a short verse for it, so that also hurt you. So overall I'd give this verse a 7/10 for reasons mentioned above.


Now onto the next verse...

---------- Post added at 05:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:59 PM ----------

Originally Posted by RULE

My life had been nothing but senseless progression,
From pathetic repression to reckless aggression.
Drowning slowly in the murky depths of depression,
The helpless invention of dread was incessant.
Deep in self pity, my heart was ever invested.
My head was congested- forever unrested.
The relentless feeling was never contested,
Until I met her... she would sever the despot.


Here I feel like, you guys were given a picture, and while you really didnt create a character to run off, you went with a more personal approach. As if you were talking about yourself and how you feel. In doing so, You explained a lot of HOW you feel, but you missed a lot of topic involvement and left gaps in your story.. Like WHY were you depressed? What happened to make you feel that way? Your head was congested with WHAT? Know what I mean? What I did like was the ending here, once you got to the meeting "her" part, this is the part of the story that you began to pick the topic up and run with it.


Before now, such an embrace seldom would smite me-
But this angel... Just her smell could ignite me.
I remember the first time I felt it, so brightly,
When she first took my arm. She held it so tightly.
I remember how she kissed me ever so lightly,
And that smile as she endeavored so spritely.
These memories replaced the wretch kept inside me.
Not simply in my head, but etched in my psyche.


While the multi's were impressive, I feel like they aren't detrimental in a topical verse. What I did like was the vocab you used and the description to the characters emotions. It painted a vivid picture and your storyline finally began to move along nicely and it seems to have filled itself in. Pretty good job here.


Our unlikely bond, to me, made karma provable.
A Goddess... for her, I was far from suitable.
My past was tattered, my future hardly usable,
And still we fused together, our hearts immovable.
She loved me as I was, every scar was beautiful.
Life was a symphony, every part was musical.
She fixed my mind, her effect was pharmaceutical.
She washed my hands- cleaned my tarnished cuticles.


now THIS was a much much better part of the verse. Love the musical and symphony concept and how you formulated that into the bar. The metaphor was used correctly and executed beautifully here. Also, I like how you used the pharmaceutical line even though I feel like you could have used a medicinal concept to connect it slightly better. Overall though, I feel like THIS is where your topical gains strength and begins to climb.


At length I became consumed by her quintessence.
The constant need for her voice was relentless.
Without her smile I was completely contentless.
I ached and yearned for her antidepressants.
I couldn't make choices without having her bless it.
She was my majestic queen and I was her peasant.
Hell was every minute lived outside her heavens.
My demons were pacified only by her presence.


I love how you fully delved into the characters persona here and I also like how you began to sacrifice the longer multis to add more depth to what you were saying. Very safe bet and it paid off here. The yearned for her anti depressants was used creatively and was probably my favorite line of this part of the verse. And lastly, I also love how you connected what you were saying with what you said and described before when you said the line about your demons being pacified. Good connection there.


I had allowed my newfound addiction to surround me.
In time I lost sight of everything else around me.
I lost my job and my house, the decline was astounding.
My family and friends had all put up their boundaries.
Soon everything was gone, and the silence was resounding.
From the phone, no more ringing... The door, no more pounding
I thought she had freed me of the ropes that bound me,
But I had then realized my soul was still drowning.


Now here what I liked was your first hint at a differential in your entire concept. This is where the concept takes its twist in the storyline and usually that's hard to pull off smoothly, but the way you described every aspect of his life in the consequences was described and executed nicely. Good job here.


...And yet she's still here, always ready to get me high.
She'll lift me up now, but I'll still be dead inside.
As long as she holds my wings, only she can let me fly.
Despite the freedom she brings, she would let me die.
Should I tell her to go now? I let out a heavy sigh...
Who am I kidding? To myself, I'm telling lies.
Just one more night in my bed, enough to get me by.
My heroine became my heroin... This happens every time.


I feel like you could have done more with the concept of "sticking by me" here, more comparisons to the for better for worst of relationships in general could have worked slightly better in the first half, but overall the way you executed the last 4 lines made it an astounding closure. The addiction of the "just one more night" mentality was definitely a great addition to the verse and closed it out nicely.

Overall; Verse2;


I feel like the opening couple of lines weren't as strong and had a lot of gaps unfilled that you rushed through to get to your point. I feel like you sacrificed character relation to your persona and that's important when you're doing a topical from point of view topicals. So in the future you might want to keep that in mind, Otherwise though; I feel like your concept was crafted nicely. The twist at the end really made this feel like a complete overall verse and since your verse was longer, it had a much better chance of becoming a more fulfilled verse. Great concept and great execution of the concept once it reached it's top midway and it never really went down after that. So kudo's on a great verse. I give it a 8.5/10.













So there you have it... I hope i've answered all questions and if not, feel free to inbox me any questions or concerns you may have. I feel like the first verse had a better approach to the topic and had potential to win it easily, but the overall execution to that approach wasnt as nicely put as the second and it brought down the readability to it a lot. Overall though, Props to you both. No h8 as always.



#BeLikeSkizzo

[Skizzo]

Originally Posted by RULE

Dear Billy,

I thought I’d try to get ahold of you since I’m alone in this cellar
Call me a dweller, but I miss the days when we could both be together
I remember when you pulled me off the clearance rack, I was rescued from misery
As I saw six-year-old kid who screamed, “Mommy, I want that one!” and the rest? It was history
All we’d ever do was go on adventures, explorin’ for treasure
You were my whole life, my core and my center, I wanted to be your supporter forever


Firstly, I want to say I love the approach you took on this. It was sort of a Toy Story 2 esque storyline and you really formed the concept from the teddy bears perspective very well. The nostalgia feeling you portrayed in your character showed great emotion and gave depth to the concept . So from the jump, great job.


But you got older instead, started playing sports for your pleasure
And with adulthood comes pressure, you became fairly deceitful
I understand that with a stuffed bear you would feel embarrased to people
I laid under your bed, I was there for your deals, no matter how daring, illegal
I never thought pot was bad really, but damn Billy, a heroin needle?


I like how you continued to personify your character and continue the storyline with emotion using his memories, but I also feel like you could have done much more with the second half of this. I feel like you sacrificed what you were trying to portray and had going with trying to maintain a longer syllable multi. So where you exceeded in multi's, you sacrificed a lot of potential in that second half.


Every day your mom was awaitin’ a call from the station
From some cop who was sayin’ you were robbin’ a bank
Or dealin’ rock to some vagrants just to stave off the starvation
She hoped you’d rot up in jail; still a far better fate than gettin’ stomped on the pavement


This was a little better than the last, Again love how you were able to keep a consistent scheme with the longer set of multi's here, but in this section I also feel like there was a lot of potential for a more in depth look of your character and how HE feels, it kind of feels like the story's just explaining and rushing along and all of that depth to the character you started with seems to have fallen off a bit.


Anyway, I just wrote to see if you’re alive and if all’s well
Seeing as how I'll probably die in this small hell
But that’s alright, I don’t want help, I’m not lonely or scared
We just used to be so close, and now you don’t even care

Now THIS is more of what I wanted to see throughout the entirety of the verse. You shortened the multi, but you went back to personifying the actual character, what and how he feels and it gives the readers a sense of connection because of the emotion being portrayed. I really like how you did this part.


Sincerely, your old pal,
Tony the Bear

P.S.
I know you won’t get this letter, and I know you’re sick and heartless
So I’m just gonna crumple this shit up and throw it in the garbage.

*****

Again here I feel like you did amazingly well. It shows the exasperation and portrays the frustration of the character. This was a very nice addition to it and it ended it perfectly. Great job here as well.



Dear Tony,

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I saw you
I figured you got caught in a bag when my mom moved
I guess I’m wishin’ for clarity--were you given to charity, or just packed up and lost? Shoot,
I feel bad for all the crap that I’ve gone through since I dragged you along too
But you’d sure be proud of how I turned around--now I have a Master’s from law school

now THIS is a perfect example of how a topical should be written. You created a character and immediately showed a nostalgic remorse, which followed your storyline perfectly and fit the topic and also created depth to your topic. A very good start here.


See, I got off on good behavior, they let me off mid-sentence
Met the girl of my dreams, we’ve had a couple kids since then
And you’re still better than any toy that they’ve ever been friends with

I wish we could be together, hey, but nothing good ever stays
I hate all this, but I can take solace since you’re probably in a better place

This is where I was kind of thrown off a bit, at first he wonders if he got thrown in a bag or tossed away, but then goes to thinking he may be in a better place? I personally would have liked to see you follow the storyline you set in motion and gone with more of that regret that both characters were feeling, i feel like it would have fit your entire topic. Now it just makes it seem like the kid left him behind and didnt think twice here. Which would have made him writing to the bear pointless in it's entirety.

...

Fuck it, this makes me feel like a crazy writer, so I’ll take this lighter and watch this letter blaze.


This was just an ok way to end it, I feel like you ended the last bit much cleaner and better and here, it kind of feels like a lazy / rushed way to end it. I think this ending had so much potential as well and it wasn't used to it's fullest expectation.

Overall; Verse 1;

I feel like you had an amazing concept, the story was beautifully crafted and the personification of your character, while it could have been better in certain parts, was overall nicely done. I also feel like you had sacrificed a LOT of potential for your verse in trying to make and match longer syllable multis, which hurt a lot of what you were trying to portray, Lyrically it was nice, but when it comes to the overall topic you should try to sacrifice some lyricism for some more emotion and depth so that your readers can immerse themselves in your character. Pretty good verse here. On a last note, I also agree that it was a very short read in comparison, seems like you also crammed a lot of potential together and made a short verse for it, so that also hurt you. So overall I'd give this verse a 7/10 for reasons mentioned above.


Now onto the next verse...

---------- Post added at 05:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:59 PM ----------

Originally Posted by RULE

My life had been nothing but senseless progression,
From pathetic repression to reckless aggression.
Drowning slowly in the murky depths of depression,
The helpless invention of dread was incessant.
Deep in self pity, my heart was ever invested.
My head was congested- forever unrested.
The relentless feeling was never contested,
Until I met her... she would sever the despot.


Here I feel like, you guys were given a picture, and while you really didnt create a character to run off, you went with a more personal approach. As if you were talking about yourself and how you feel. In doing so, You explained a lot of HOW you feel, but you missed a lot of topic involvement and left gaps in your story.. Like WHY were you depressed? What happened to make you feel that way? Your head was congested with WHAT? Know what I mean? What I did like was the ending here, once you got to the meeting "her" part, this is the part of the story that you began to pick the topic up and run with it.


Before now, such an embrace seldom would smite me-
But this angel... Just her smell could ignite me.
I remember the first time I felt it, so brightly,
When she first took my arm. She held it so tightly.
I remember how she kissed me ever so lightly,
And that smile as she endeavored so spritely.
These memories replaced the wretch kept inside me.
Not simply in my head, but etched in my psyche.


While the multi's were impressive, I feel like they aren't detrimental in a topical verse. What I did like was the vocab you used and the description to the characters emotions. It painted a vivid picture and your storyline finally began to move along nicely and it seems to have filled itself in. Pretty good job here.


Our unlikely bond, to me, made karma provable.
A Goddess... for her, I was far from suitable.
My past was tattered, my future hardly usable,
And still we fused together, our hearts immovable.
She loved me as I was, every scar was beautiful.
Life was a symphony, every part was musical.
She fixed my mind, her effect was pharmaceutical.
She washed my hands- cleaned my tarnished cuticles.


now THIS was a much much better part of the verse. Love the musical and symphony concept and how you formulated that into the bar. The metaphor was used correctly and executed beautifully here. Also, I like how you used the pharmaceutical line even though I feel like you could have used a medicinal concept to connect it slightly better. Overall though, I feel like THIS is where your topical gains strength and begins to climb.


At length I became consumed by her quintessence.
The constant need for her voice was relentless.
Without her smile I was completely contentless.
I ached and yearned for her antidepressants.
I couldn't make choices without having her bless it.
She was my majestic queen and I was her peasant.
Hell was every minute lived outside her heavens.
My demons were pacified only by her presence.


I love how you fully delved into the characters persona here and I also like how you began to sacrifice the longer multis to add more depth to what you were saying. Very safe bet and it paid off here. The yearned for her anti depressants was used creatively and was probably my favorite line of this part of the verse. And lastly, I also love how you connected what you were saying with what you said and described before when you said the line about your demons being pacified. Good connection there.


I had allowed my newfound addiction to surround me.
In time I lost sight of everything else around me.
I lost my job and my house, the decline was astounding.
My family and friends had all put up their boundaries.
Soon everything was gone, and the silence was resounding.
From the phone, no more ringing... The door, no more pounding
I thought she had freed me of the ropes that bound me,
But I had then realized my soul was still drowning.


Now here what I liked was your first hint at a differential in your entire concept. This is where the concept takes its twist in the storyline and usually that's hard to pull off smoothly, but the way you described every aspect of his life in the consequences was described and executed nicely. Good job here.


...And yet she's still here, always ready to get me high.
She'll lift me up now, but I'll still be dead inside.
As long as she holds my wings, only she can let me fly.
Despite the freedom she brings, she would let me die.
Should I tell her to go now? I let out a heavy sigh...
Who am I kidding? To myself, I'm telling lies.
Just one more night in my bed, enough to get me by.
My heroine became my heroin... This happens every time.


I feel like you could have done more with the concept of "sticking by me" here, more comparisons to the for better for worst of relationships in general could have worked slightly better in the first half, but overall the way you executed the last 4 lines made it an astounding closure. The addiction of the "just one more night" mentality was definitely a great addition to the verse and closed it out nicely.

Overall; Verse2;


I feel like the opening couple of lines weren't as strong and had a lot of gaps unfilled that you rushed through to get to your point. I feel like you sacrificed character relation to your persona and that's important when you're doing a topical from point of view topicals. So in the future you might want to keep that in mind, Otherwise though; I feel like your concept was crafted nicely. The twist at the end really made this feel like a complete overall verse and since your verse was longer, it had a much better chance of becoming a more fulfilled verse. Great concept and great execution of the concept once it reached it's top midway and it never really went down after that. So kudo's on a great verse. I give it a 8.5/10.













So there you have it... I hope i've answered all questions and if not, feel free to inbox me any questions or concerns you may have. I feel like the first verse had a better approach to the topic and had potential to win it easily, but the overall execution to that approach wasnt as nicely put as the second and it brought down the readability to it a lot. Overall though, Props to you both. No h8 as always.



#BeLikeSkizzo