One thing you can do to improve is to use more concrete ideas. You speak in abstracts almost exclusively, words like: oppresses, depressed, silence, violence, insane, community, hate, rape. These are Ideas, they dont form vivid pictures in the mind. Show us something, paint a picture, use imagery. Metaphors and similes help to do that, and you didnt use many of those either. Your flow is good but it's rather simple and you also aren't utilizing multis very much. You have a lot of coupled rhymes, adding more multis will add complexity to your rhymes. You have good 2 syllable rhymes, but mostly end rhymes. More internal rhymes will also help. This isn't bad, it's just rather bare bones. You have a lot to work with and thats important. Let me know if you have any questions.

Posted on: 2012-10-13 13:48:20

gs
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-10-13 23:05:59

this was cool
Rated: 8

Posted on: 2012-10-14 13:19:44

nice fam deep peice
Rated: 9

Posted on: 2012-10-15 10:38:35

Honest Vote Here. I Understand The Message And Ya Flow Was There...You Just Need To Improve On Ya Multi-Syllables A Lil. Also, there was some filler here n there...ALL THIS PAIN and BEFORE THE RAIN? Da only two words that rhymed were Pain and Rain. You need to build on ya vocabulary, wordplay, and metaphors. I like the ZOO CAGE punch. I thought that was pretty creative. Ya closer was mehh...once again, the only words that rhymed was Way and Pray. Improve ya rhyme schemes before you work on anything else and try to be more imaginative. That's all I have for you. If you need me to vote on ya battles, just post them in my FVC Thread and I will get to them asap.
Rated: 7

Posted on: 2012-10-15 13:46:07

this was nice bruh.. giving u a 10 because it seemd real thats better then punchlines..
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-10-22 11:29:46

its good.. because its honest..
Rated: 9

Posted on: 2012-11-10 12:13:07

What Sluggo said was very intelligent advice. Luckily for you this isn't a battle verse, this is a cypher, therefore those elements matter a lot less. I liked the over-all idea here. Dimed.
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-11-19 23:37:13

Very good drop famo. there's a bit of room for improvment but i like the genreal idea of it. your multi's could use a bit of work, nothing major though. but over all a solid drop. giving her a 9. just cuz everyone has room for improvemnt. keep grinding fam

Posted on: 2012-11-29 11:21:04

some deep shit man and a good read, shit got dimed
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-11-30 07:25:39

Word.This was cool.
Rated: 8

Posted on: 2012-11-30 11:00:42

pretty solid deagle nice drop
Rated: 9

Posted on: 2012-12-04 11:53:07

Its Nice. Multies Dont Match Up.
Rated: 7

Posted on: 2012-12-04 14:55:49

good cypher famz had alot of meaning and issues that im currently still living through,but i've unfortunetley made it to 30yrs..lol keep grinding and use your skills you got alot of heart hang in there even when god puts u on hold..u got me homie...LiKe WhuT WhuT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-12-11 14:16:08

my first cypher
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2012-12-12 11:54:35

deep
Rated: 9

Posted on: 2012-12-12 19:16:58

Real nice cypher, I was feeling it the whole way thru and some of the bars I could relate to on some real life shit. Fair rate, return
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2013-02-14 11:01:12

solid drop! enjoyed reading the story, dimed dawg
Rated: 10

Posted on: 2013-03-18 12:09:57